Freedom Defined

“What does freedom mean to you?” They asked me as I described my passion and heart’s desire. I started mulling it over on our four day road trip throughout Africa and couldn’t get the question out of my head...What did freedom really mean?

I had only been home from Africa for one day when I picked up the phone to a call that I should have expected was coming, but one I never prepared for. They had warned me from the beginning. Girls from the house will run. Be prepared. Don’t get too attached. Don’t go all in for the one. Because they may run and you will be left heartbroken.

But I did. I went all in. I went all in because I believe everyone deserves to be ALL IN loved; no matter what their past or present or future looks like. I went all in knowing that it may not have good results. And that call brought me back to the word Freedom.

Then it was a week after being home from Africa. I was hardcore struggling to get through the week. Lies were constantly filling my head, and I was exhausted from fighting them all. I felt in bondage. And again I was brought back to this word freedom.

The picture that comes to mind when I think of Freedom is something like this:

Complete with flower crown and all. But for once defining something in words seemed impossible. Until I saw it. I saw freedom.

I went to the house that Sunday on a whim and there was a girl there. She had just gotten out of physical captivity. And she was dancing like literally no one was watching. She was laughing at how ridiculous she was, and she was truly JOYFUL. She was filled with joy when she had every reason to be filled with pain and hurt and sadness and fear.

And that’s when I realized what freedom is... Freedom is something you have to choose to walk in but something that is already yours as daughters of the King of Kings. Freedom is running into His Dreams for your life. Freedom is having a safe space to be yourself in. Freedom is running wildly where and how HE created you to be! Freedom is a fight, always. A fight against the lies; a fight against the bondages; a fight against the naysayers and badmouthers. But Freedom is a fight that we do with HIM, the One who has already won. Freedom is surrender. Freedom is REST for our souls. Freedom is joy and peace and love all wrapped in one. Freedom is what HE created us for.

Freedom in the end is a choice and it takes action. You can't choose freedom for someone; although I often wish we could. And you can't just speak freedom; you must also walk in it.

But in the end, freedom is always worth the fight.

Learning to Dance in the Rain

It’s been storming a lot lately, which means there is lots and lots of rainy days. It also means that there has been lots of time to read, think, and get the flu. Just kidding, I could have done without the flu, but I guess it caused me to slow down and REST.

If I’m honest this season is hard and heavy. This season carries a lot of weight as I am jumping full force into the calling HE has placed on my heart while also preparing to spend a few weeks back overseas where a chunk of my heart lies. Not to mention the preparation that is having to take place while I'm away as I am leaving a community of incredible people HE has asked me to show His love to during this season.

So I felt I would write in the middle because maybe someone else is in the hard and heavy right now too. Maybe someone else feels exhausted from their heart breaking for what breaks His. Or maybe someone else feels a little overwhelmed with it all.

When I think about thunderstorms, I always think about the heaviness of the clouds. They look so dark and gloomy. So heavy and full. They look as if they could weigh a lot and always bring some intense weather. The interesting thing is that I love thunderstorms because I find them peaceful. The rain, thunder, lightening, along with a good book, snuggly blanket, and a hot cup of tea make for the perfect night in. Somehow peace comes in a thunderstorm for me.

Which got me thinking. Back when I was in high school, I babysat for a family with a young son who was absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. He would crawl under a blanket and ask us to close the blinds and turn up the sound on the TV so he wouldn’t hear the thunder. He was petrified in the middle of a thunderstorm, and nothing I could say or do would really help the situation, except to simply just sit and wait for it to pass.

I feel like this passion HE has placed on my heart is a bit like a thunderstorm. This season of walking into this calling is a bit like a thunderstorm. It’s heavy, intense, full, and weighty. And lately, if I am honest, I have been kind of acting like that little boy under a blanket on the couch. I am petrified. I once again feel unqualified and unprepared. But I also feel the heaviness of it all weighing down on me.

My desire is to RUN in freedom so that His Love and Light can shine in the darkest of places, but that’s really hard when you are carrying all the weight on your back. When you are letting fear take over and believing the lies.

One of my friends sent me a message this morning that included the line “I pray that you find rest and learn to laugh and crazy dance it out no matter what season you are in.”

I think in this season of thunderstorms, HE is asking me to dance in the rain. To learn how to dance in the rain. And I honestly think the only way we can do that is if we let go of the hard and heavy and trust Him with it all. Trust that HE will take our heavy burdens and hold them with the absolute greatest care because HE cares so much more, and as we hand them over, to then throw on our new, black shiny rain boots and go dance it out. No matter how stormy or gloomy it seems. Knowing HE has placed us right here for a season, for a reason.

A Letter to Those Whose Dreams Have Been Shattered

Hey friend,

I don’t talk about this often. Or really ever. But I thought maybe a glimpse inside my heart could help yours.

Some would call it a transition season… a dying season… a redirecting season maybe… In my life, it was the season when I moved from Africa to America and found out I was staying longer than a few months.

To summarize how I felt… I was confused. Frustrated. Felt like a failure. Unsure of my purpose. And reluctantly seeking God for answers. In some ways, I felt like HE had let me down. I mean HE could have opened all those doors if HE wanted to. HE is the King of Kings and holds everything in His Hands after all.

But He chose to let my dreams shatter. He chose to close doors and redirect my path. That’s a hard pill to swallow when you look at TRUTH that says “He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Standing from the other side, a year later, I can honestly say I am beyond thankful that God shattered my dreams. But looking at my journal, I can put myself back in that situation in a second, because I remember the pain, the confusion, the heartbreak, and the word “Failure” constantly on my lips. So here goes… my vulnerable, authentic, real deep story of dreams being shattered.

“I am hurting, but YOU see that. I am overwhelmed, but YOU know that. I am frustrated, but YOU heard that.”

“When I look in the mirror, I see failure. When I sit and think about my future, I think failure.”

“Father, I need stability. I need to know YOUR will. I just need to be reminded YOU are still there.”

I read through the journals. I remember the month of December like it was yesterday. It was one of the worst months I have experienced so far. I felt like God was telling me not to go back, but I wasn’t sure why or what in the world I would do. Immediately, I started striving. I went to my Plan B and my Plan C. I went on interviews. Met with families about job opportunities. And felt like God continually kept saying “Wait.”

I was frustrated. I remember thinking “Why in the world did you bring me back here? Why in the world did you put this on my heart just to take it away?”

I wouldn’t even speak to people about Africa. I didn’t want to hear from people there. I didn’t want to remember anything about it. I was mad. And not at myself. And not at anyone there. But rather at God. He had clearly called me there. But then why in the world was I back here? Was there even a purpose in that whole time I lived there?

My journals were filled with prayers and covered with tears. I kept asking God to just send me a community who would encourage, uplift me, and somehow be able to get my heart. Guys, I can’t even type this now without CRYING! Like HE IS SO FAITHFUL! Because now, a year later. I have one of the best communities that is better than I ever dreamed of back then.

But back to this season… I waited. The whole month of December, I kept trying to find a reason or a plan, but nothing worked out. So I decided to just wait. Then HE finally asked me to get up. To walk forward. I reluctantly stood up and like someone stubbornly pulling me with a rope, I walked.

In January, HE gave me the word “Become.” Which sounded exciting, but proved to be the hardest, most in-depth word of the year EVER!

I still had so many questions. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t exactly talking to God about my heart still. I would pray for others and ask HIM for discernment about decisions, but other than that I didn’t want to talk about how HE had taken away my dreams. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t like it. And I absolutely did not want to discuss it.

It was a slow transition. It was a stubborn pull. It was a patient and persistent love from our Father. It was tiny steps of obedience in the right direction. It was a community coming around me and cheering me on. It was lots of tiny moments of healing and breakthrough.

But eventually one day, I was ok.

Here’s the thing… the verse says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.”

But the verse right after it says “Commit your way to the Lord (roll and repose each care of your load on Him); trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.”

The only way I ended up being ok in the end. And not just ok, friend, but truly FREE and being able to look back at this season a year later with such a different perspective. The only way. Was I chose to finally open my hands and let go of those dreams. I chose to trust in, lean on, rely on, and be absolutely confident in HIM. I chose to delight myself in HIM alone.

And you know what? HE didn’t let me down! He didn’t place that calling on my heart for no purpose. HE will give me the desires of my heart. HE just had a different plan. One so much better than I could ever dream of or imagine.

So sister… I know it is hard. I know your heart hurts and you can’t wrap your brain around the confusion. But I promise, if you LET GO and let God take over; HE WILL COME THROUGH! Seek HIM when it’s hardest and you won’t be let down.

I’m still on a journey, but I do feel like the perspective I have now on that season of shattered dreams gives me a voice to possibly speak TRUTH over yours. I’m praying for you. My heart hurts for yours. And I know that this is tough, but I am trusting GOD to restore your heart, like HE did mine.

Sincerely,

A Sister Who Gets It

Choosing Joy in the Intense

So I should be sleeping, or at least that’s what I keep repeating to myself. After all, I already wrote for hours today, my body is fighting off sickness, and I have to teach English at 7am tomorrow morning. Not to mention I am dog sitting a pup who doesn’t like to sleep in. But yet my heart is aching and I decided to just let it all out in exchange for the needed sleep.

This season is harder than I expected it to be. And to be honest that kind of gets me down. I didn’t expect it to be so intense and necessary and vital. I didn’t expect it to be a crash preparation course for whatever is coming up ahead.

And the more I have coffee with people, the more I seem to not be able to explain the intensity on my heart. The deep longing and pain that accompanies this season. The deep knowing on one hand and utter confusion on the other that fills my head on a daily basis lately. The deep sitting in brokenness but not staying there. Using the deep healing that took place for a purpose other than my own.

It’s intense guys. Like I constantly need chocolate, Truth, and soul care just to make it through one of the many things laid on my heart and schedule lately.

I have always felt inadequate and unqualified for most things I have been placed in thus far in life. Back that up, every calling I have been placed in. But these things. They are where my personal heartbreak meets the world and they collide. Hopefully one day creating something beautiful, but currently just creating an intensity and in-depthness like never before. Not only do I feel inadequate and unqualified, but I also feel confused, frustrated, and super unsure where this all is leading to.

There’s this quote from a book I’m reading that says “Be obedient, trust, and believe God. Let Him boss around any contrary feelings.”

So lately choosing joy looks a lot like leaning on, relying on, and being confident in God. And then letting Him deal with everything else.

Because He has absolutely placed me in this safe house serving girls for a reason. He has absolutely placed me in this writing a bigger story for a purpose. He has absolutely opened some doors and closed some doors lately for a purpose. And He has absolutely placed me in the families I am serving, the friendships I have, and the communities I am in… for a purpose.

Even when I can’t always see the purpose and reasons, I am learning to lean on, rely on, and be confident in HIM. Because that’s what trust is all about, right?

Ending of a Season

Ending of seasons. They always get me. They always come with sugar overloads and a box of tissues. Maybe it’s my abandonment issues or my lack of being able to let go, but as much as I wanted this past season to end, it actually took me aback by how hard ending it was. But as hard as it was, it also made me look back and remember His Faithfulness and Goodness. It allowed me to see things in a different view.

I opened my journal from this past season and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I was so scared. So worried. So anxious. God was pushing me outside my comfort zone when He asked me to go to counseling or join a random small group or ask some random girl to change our coffee date to the next day or take a flight to Dubai. I was so scared, but each time I said yes with shaky hands and all. And you know what, those were the absolute best things of this past season. That trip reminded me that this season was coming to a close, and that He was about to fulfill His Promises to me. That small group led me to meet some of the greatest girls and allowed a safe place to share my heart for a time. And that random girl, well yeah she’s one of my Jesus sisters and someone who spoke so much truth into this past season and provided a lot of laughter in the wilderness. And the counseling was what God used to heal and redeem and restore me into who HE had created me to be. He provided a safe space for vulnerability and realness in a way I could never have thought would happen.

I wrote some notes from a podcast I had listened to in the middle of this past season, and my favorite quote was this:

“Perhaps what you are waiting for in your life carries more weight

than you realize and that is why you are waiting.”

This past season of waiting, of becoming, was hard. It was redefining who I was and who HE created me to be. It was a season of healing and redemption and restoration. It was a season of FREEDOM from anxiety and fears. It was a season that brought beauty from these ashes.
This morning it finally ended. I checked the last things off the list of “Becoming” and I cried through the hardness of saying “see you later.”

And as hard as this close of a season has been, it is a reminder that HE is forever faithful and good. That HE brought me through the wilderness, and that HE can heal and redeem and restore. That HE had a purpose and a plan and timing for this past season. And that what is coming will be more than I could ever imagine. Because if there is one thing I repeated to myself over and over again this past year, it was that “God works all things together for my good and HIS GLORY.”

So yes it hurts to say “see you later” and to close doors in a chapter, but I trust HIM and know that HE is working it all out in a way I could never even see or imagine. The best thing though? Is that I never have to travel without the Greatest Travel Buddy around. So wherever, whenever, however, and whoever this next season brings me; I am ready, with shaky hands and all.

Soul Tired

There’s this quote I saw a few days ago that said “sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that is tired.” That’s where I have been living this past week. From a tired soul.  And no matter how much sleep I get or how many cups of coffee I drink, it doesn’t change. It’s not my schedule or my time commitments that are making me tired, because quite honestly my calendar looks pretty boring a week in advance.

It’s my heart that is exhausted.

And I knew walking into this season of “becoming” would be hard. I knew healing and freedom were not things that came lightly or without struggle. I knew this, and I weighed this, and yet I still decided to walk forward. Because I believe freedom is worth it. (And I was a little fed up with living out of fear)

This past week, I have been reminded how important it is to take care of my heart. To live out of the overflow means you have to be fueled yourself first. You can’t give what you don’t have. And so as I started to relook at these past few months and knowing that this season is almost over, I came up with a list of things I wanted to remind myself when I have a tired soul:

1) Taking time to do things that speaks to your heart is soooo important. A few months ago I came up with this idea of #soulcaresaturday. I literally just created this intentional space in my life to rejuvenate and refocus where I was. Every soul care Saturday looks so different. Some are spent completely by myself in the Word or in prayer. And others are spent with friends who breathe Jesus into me. Every week I walk away from these days and feel so ready to walk into what the next week holds.

2) Speaking truth against the lies. You speak truth enough and you shift your gaze off of the lies and onto the One who is Always True. Speaking life brings life.

3) Spending time in the Word is obviously refueling. But being rooted and living from HIS Word is life giving.

4) People keep telling me that this is a lot to carry. And I look at them and think “I mean I guess.” But this week I let myself realize it is hard. It is painful. Because constantly sitting in hurts/pains and taking the arrows that fly at you plus pouring out into people at the same time, well that is a lot. But the good thing is I don’t have to carry this, because HE does. HE carries all these hard things, I just have to lay them down.

5) Let them tears fall. I used to think crying was weakness. But really crying is strength. Crying is letting go. Crying is saying “I can’t and I don’t want to do this alone.”

6) Having people around me. Like literally the greatest community. HE pours love and joy into my soul through them. It’s amazing to be a part of.

The truth is, I have seen people this week in the same position. They are walking around with a tired soul. These people are strong. They are brave. They have courage. And they will keep going, because they know how important this fight is.

But until we put our perspective where it belongs and care for our souls, we can’t keep fighting.

Chosen and Changed

It’s been seven months since I left Africa. That seems absolutely crazy to me. It still seems like yesterday that I was surprising everyone at one home and saying “see you in a few months” to everyone at my other home. It seems crazy that these past few months my life has continually changed, leaving barely any room for comfort or normalcy. And for that I am incredibly thankful, because this season is probably one of the most important I have gone through thus far.

So many have asked me questions I can’t answer. Especially friends and family I love dearly halfway across the world. It isn’t that I don’t want to share the answers, but rather I have been asking God the exact same questions. But this past year has been a journey of JUMPING then BECOMING.

I have had walls completely torn down. I have battled some tough battles against fear and anxiety. I have daily struggled to keep faith in the promises HE made while in Africa. I have had my perspective flipped upside down and inside out. I have had so many words redefined I could actually write a dictionary now. I have asked questions upon questions and only seem to get more questions in return. I have made the wrong decisions and the right ones, having people I love question both. I have jumped into the unknown and ran from the unexpected.

But enough about me. I want to tell you about the Greatest Travel Buddy through all of this. Because let me tell you, HE has been so patient and persistent. HE has sent communities, but not just any community, the most perfect for the season I’m in. HE has sent friends over coffee pointing back to the truth when I seem to get off track. HE has sent safe havens to REST through families, coffee shops, or homes. HE has literally flown someone halfway across the world because I needed to hear something from the exact person who said it. HE has used a six year old in Africa to call me on a day I needed to know HIS love so much. HE has opened doors, closed doors, and reminded me of HIS faithfulness.

Guys, HE doesn’t have to do any of that. Like seriously HE is the King of Kings, and yet HE still cares immensely about my heart and where I am and where I am going. That thought literally amazes me. That yes this journey of “becoming” has been incredibly painful, but it has been so far one of the most beautiful times in my life to get to be able to know HIM on a deeper level.

To truly understand that we are a CHOSEN daughter (or son) of the King of Kings. That we BELONG to HIM. That HE delights when we run to HIM. That we have an ADVOCATE on our behalf. Let me just tell you, that one blows my mind, and makes my orphan aching heart feel so much more loved.

Part of me craves normalcy, steadiness, and a safe haven. I’m learning that can all be found in HIM. Because the part of me that craves adventure, radical love, and crazy God moments is how HE made me.

 

Completely Soaking in His Love,

Elizabeth

History in the Making

As I am coming into another season of change, my head has been constantly swarming with thoughts while my heart seems to be continually broken for things that are breaking HIS Heart.

About a week ago, one of my mentors asked me if I had ever thought to be a history maker. I sort of fell silent on the other end of the phone as I thought, “me a history maker? No way.” But it wasn’t a question about changing the world, but rather not accepting my past to be my future. That even though maybe it has been the same way every year for the past ten years of my life, that it does not in fact have to be that way in the future.

This past weekend, I constantly felt this being spoken over and over. That I am needed where God has called me next “for such a time as this.” To be a history maker. To change what others and myself accepted as normal.

And to be completely honest, there is so much change going on around me that I try to look around and grasp what is happening. It seems nearly impossible to even get a grip on one change before a new one comes, changing things yet again. Persistently, HE has been flipping my world upside down as soon as I seem to get comfortable. For the past three years, this has happened on a consecutive basis. Every time I would get comfortable, my world would be flipped.

Tonight I realized that the reason why it has been like this for the past three years is because every single time my world gets flipped, I learn things that I never would have learned if I would’ve stayed where I was. He continually asks me to step out on the water/ go in over my head/ take me deeper than my feet could ever wander (whatever song analogy you prefer) in order to stretch me farther than before and somehow prepare me for what is coming next. 

It seems almost crazy at times the way HE works in my life. I start to question my own sanity when HE asks me to pack my bags and leave for a country in a weekend without a ticket. Or to quit my dream job in the States to move to a third world country. Or the countless of crazy things being laid on my heart right now. Things I do not at all understand myself, but yet I know that somehow HE is using all of it to prepare my heart for what is up ahead.

So tonight I realized that yes I want to be a history maker, because every time I take a leap of faith, I am further stretched and prepared for whatever story HE is writing in and through my life.

Precious Pain

 These next few words came flowing out of my heart tonight, and as long as the words flow I will share because they need to be heard. This isn’t my story, but rather of two girls that have stolen a huge chunk of my heart.

“Kutemwa, Kutemwa. Wake up,” I awoke to in broken English to see a face staring at me while I was sleeping off the exhaustion from the sickness attacking my body. At first I thought something was wrong, but then she points to my journal and asks to draw. That’s how we communicated. Through a mix of broken English and her local language and pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. My journal was filled with pictures that still bring me to tears. I went through 3 pens in 3 weeks, but I didn’t even care. It was worth not being able to write to have my pages filled with the beauty of her drawings.

I get up and sit on the floor to watch her face light up while she is drawing. The joy literally radiates out of her. Her smile and laugh as I tell her she is precious, even if she doesn’t understand what that word means. Since this can go on all day, I decide to get up and walk out to see the rest of my village family outside the hut. First thing I am greeted by is being asked if I need tea or more medicine or something to help me feel better. I smile and wish they could truly realize how much just sitting with them brings so much joy and Light.

A few hours later, I sit on the steps watching a little girlie continuing to draw and laugh at my pictures while watching another girlie cook on an open fire after being in school all day. Her servant heart shines through along with the deep joy and peace with being in this place. His grace is all I can think about while watching them.

Days went by spending time with them, loving on them but being so overwhelmed with love and joy back. Then I had to say goodbye. I knew it wouldn’t be forever, but yet for a time. Weeks passed turning into months. Months turning into two years. I prayed for both of those girlies every night. I heard updates occasionally and how school had gone each semester, but I just wanted to give them a hug. I wanted to see for myself that they were being given the opportunity to accomplish their dreams.

Two years later, my heart shattered for both of them. Situations young girls should never have to be in, these girlies were put in. And because HE is faithful, just a few weeks later, God brought me back to see them. After all the pain and heartache one precious girlie had endured, the joy and laughter shared was simply HIS grace. His joy. And oh my definitely HIS love. But my heart broke after seeing the other precious princess who used to draw me pictures and be filled with so much joy. She was broken, and her smile was gone. I could feel a tiny piece of HIS pain and hurt for HIS daughter. And as I sat there crying and questioning why, I started to understand a bit more.

A few years ago I prayed continually for my heart to be broken for what breaks His. It is only a really tiny part of what breaks His Heart, but yet it overwhelmingly broke mine. And it made me realize as much as we hurt and cry for the people we love, HE hurts and cries that much more. HE is holding them. HE is their Rescuer and Redeemer.

Because sometimes I just need to let pieces out in order to process the whole.

On My Knees

It’s been quite a while since I have been able to formulate words in this season of learning so much about myself, Africa, and the heart of Christ. While most of my journaling has turned into prayers, most of my writing has turned into emails and articles for other ministries. It is a different season. One I wasn’t prepared for or expectant of at all.

And it’s during this season that I constantly find myself on my knees. Sometimes on my knees because I can no longer stand, but lately on my knees because I am circling the promises HE has given me and clinging to His faithfulness.

At first I began to get frustrated because quite frankly it’s been almost six months I have been praying for and expecting these promises to come through. And every time they fall through or fail to happen, I want to give up hope. I want to stop believing that they will happen because it’s easier. It’s less painful.

Then I came across this verse a few weeks ago, and it kept popping up in different places for a week until I finally got the point.

“God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful.”- 1 Thes 5:24

And then as HE so often does in my life (because I am hard headed and need things repeated sometimes), I received a book from my mom about praying circles around the promises He has laid on my heart. It seemed like every word of that book was something I needed to hear, but one sentence stood out profoundly:

“Take a step of faith when God gives you a vision because you trust that the One who gave you the vision is going to make provision. And for the record, if the vision is from God, it will most definitely be beyond your means.”

All throughout the book were stories of promises HE had given and how HE had fulfilled those promises in HIS perfect timing. And so I found myself on my knees constantly over and over praying circles around these promises.

So far it’s called for an all-nighter praying for someone I barely know, a breakthrough for someone I’ve been circling in prayer for almost two years now, and some pretty impossible miracles waiting to happen.

It’s still a season. The promises still have not been answered. But the expectant hope I am clinging to is absolutely mind blowing… for once I’m starting to believe it when people keep saying “Liz, I believe something great is up ahead for you.

Persistent Promises

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It's close to 2 am and my mind is racing (but that's nothing new)... Maybe it's the two cups of coffee I drank or possibly the stress over needing to rewrite a document that was lost or maybe, just maybe some words needed to get out and the lack of sleep will be exchanged for the much needed overflow of my heart.

I've discovered that I write because I need to process. Most of the time my writing is a lot like this post is becoming: a jumbled up mess of words. Sometimes I write because I need other people to hear the truth. And sometimes I write because other people need a voice. This post however is neither of those things. This post is the vulnerable truth of what I have been learning lately for anyone who cares to know.

You see when God starts to repeat things through different people and experiences literally coming from all over the world, you start to listen up. These past six months God led me on a journey that definitely took me deeper than my feet could ever wonder, deeper than I ever cared to wander to be completely honest.

I walked into a journey of healing. Healing because I was broken. Into a journey of freedom. Freedom because that's what truth brings. And into a journey of trust. Trust because He has made His promise clear.

Some of you have walked this journey with me, and some have been the people who He spoke through without really knowing it. But honestly I'm not completely sure where this journey is going. I simply wrote this to share the anticipation I'm living with.

Because how could a random box at a conference be related to words from a couple living in Malawi. And how could the words of two unrelated friends in Zambia be the start of a series of lessons I needed to discover. How could a series of messages from a pastor in America be related to what I had been learning in Africa. And how could the passages read through with Him alone be connected to the conversations over coffee that followed. These past few months have been reminder after reminder that He has something beautiful up ahead if only I fall more and more in love with Him each day.

I've learned He patiently and persistently will pursue me without fail until He is ready to uncover His promises and plan for my life.

Because I have no clue what's coming up ahead, I will simply hold His Hand.

One Pair One Heart

With thousands of shoes being connected from America to Africa, it is very difficult to know the story behind every pair of shoes that is given. During these past five months, I have taken five pairs of shoes from specific donors in America and strategically placed them on some amazing inspiring people that I have met here. Below is my attempt to directly connect two donors to the people who received their shoes because it truly is one heart behind every pair.

Here are the stories behind the shoes…
 

 

Tyler is one of my sister’s friends who loves serving other people around the world. He loves kids from all around the world, and loves different languages and cultures. He wore these shoes first while running for his college then later while teaching in both Costa Rica and Uganda.

Tyler meet Mark.

Mark is a leader in the Massai tribe. (I know it’s pretty ridiculously cool!) As I sat and listened to his stories about elephants, lions, and the many cultural shock experiences, I realized the most amazing thing about Mark is his passion for his people. He has overcome a lot from the beginning with his dad having lots of wives creating a huge family. The cultural and ritual ties within the tribe are pretty binding as well. He became a translator between Swahili and Massai language, and through that he met a man who changed his life. Mark wanted to track down the man who had been shining Christ’s light, so through dreams and travels to Kenya to meet the man, he in return met His Savior. Coming back to a tribe where everything is ruled by traditions was hard, but he stayed true to his heart. He met his wife in Kenya, and then spent a few weeks at a sports training where he learned to speak English. His heart is to see a change in his people and through his dedication and passion I wouldn’t be surprised if he was the guy who ends up in the history stories of the Massai’s.

 

Harold is my older brother, and one of the most influential leaders I have met. From West Point baseball leading his team to now heading up a team of military guys climbing Mt Everest to his dream of being a leader in politics one day. He is what you would call crazy, and crazy is what changes the world. A while back my brother proposed to me his desire to go visit the Massai people and help create some political changes to benefit their tribe. In the end things didn’t line up, but Harold’s passion to make a difference hasn’t changed. His servant leadership is what will make impacting thousands of people one day possible.

Harold meet Teresa.

Teresa is my hero. She came to Zambia for sports training and spoke absolutely no English. I was surprised to greet her at the end of the training with a small conversation in English. We were able to hear her story through Mark. Teresa is also from the Massai tribe, and could be the definition of women empowerment. She comes from Mark’s huge family growing up, and is a teacher at the school of his family members (YES they have enough kids within their family to create a school…) Women’s circumcision is a huge traditional hold on the girls in the Massai tribe, and until recently it was completely legal for the girls to be forced into it. Now a law has passed and the girls have the choice. Teresa is leading a camp and mentoring the girls in the tribe to make sure they know they have a choice and to walk with them through the decision. She is empowering these girls with the freedom to choose. Her leadership with the girls in the tribe is simply outstanding, which is why I knew Harold’s shoes should go to her.

These are two of the incredible people the shoes have impacted here. There are hundreds of more stories… some we will never hear. Within the next few months, I will be posting the other three stories behind shoes.

Impacted

Finally… words are flooding my head again! It’s been weeks since I have been able to write a cohesive piece about anything, and even longer since I have felt such peace.

I have wanted to write about the people I have been serving, but no words seemed to adequately display who they are. The group of people that God has specifically laid on my heart for this year are extraordinary women to say the least.

They aren’t in a remote African village, but their community is strong and somehow makes you stronger by being a part of it. They aren’t from the Zambian culture for the most part, but their cultures are unique and shine through in really awesome ways. They don’t spend all day in fields working or building things, but they are some of the hardest workers I have ever met in my life. They don’t always think they are making a difference in a lot of people’s lives, but their lives are inspiring and radiate love and joy and peace.

These are the ladies I get to spend every day serving in some way or another. They are the most humble inspiring group of women I have ever been around. They all have unique gifts that are needed throughout the community at very specific times. They somehow have figured out how to make a home out of a place so foreign to a lot of them. They are an incredible blessing to all the people that pass through their homes and this community. They have the wisdom, patience, and love that motherhood alone can give. They are steadfast in their love for the Lord. They are incredible.

It’s been three months, and most days have felt like they are loving on me more than the other way around. But every day I walk away completely bewildered at their energy, patience, and overflowing love.

Some days I still find it hard. How best to serve in this community and who to serve in this community. They all are doing an amazing job raising a family in a culture not their own, and God simply called me here to love on them whether through taking a class of homeschooling off their plate, giving them a five minute break to use the bathroom in peace, or babysitting for a date night out. It is nothing, but what I am learning from the ways they walk out their lives is everything.

You see I don’t know if they realize the huge impact they are making on a daily basis. Most of them have a purpose to serve their family and love on them. But what they don’t take into account are the countless number of guests they show their hospitality towards every year. The days they spend cooking for a big event, or the hours they spend mentoring and loving on their Zambian house workers. The impact their smile has in the market place or the magnitude of them serving their families selflessly. The effect their dozens of chocolate chip brownies, handmade gifts, or dinners for their friends to have a date night will make. The extent of their impact on my own life.

Humbled to be learning so much from these ladies, blessed by His Faithfulness in bringing me back to Zambia, and overwhelmed by His patient and persistent love.

1,2,3... JUMP

Such a mix of emotions fill my head as I sit down to type the first of many updates about my journey to Africa that begins tomorrow morning: peace, thankfulness, joy, and a tad bit of anxiousness. I apologize for what is about to be a jumble of words.

I just first want to start off by saying THANK YOU! To every single person that has taken the time to meet up with me, drive to see me, send me a letter, pray over me, have coffee with me, supported me, provided last minute doctor advice, and for all the little details that SO many incredible people have helped with! One of my favorite things in African villages are the way they come together and support each other: in sickness, in health, in joy, and in sorrow. They are always there. I couldn’t be more thankful for my “American village” these past couple weeks! I truly am blessed!

About a year and a half ago, I boarded a plane to Zambia for the first time and posted a picture with the statement “This is about to be the biggest leap of faith that I’ve ever taken. Can’t wait to see what is about to happen!” I obviously didn’t know what was coming on January 15^th at 6:45 am. Tomorrow will be the biggest jump I have taken.

Am I nervous? A little. The unknown is a scary yet beautiful place.

Am I stressed? Well travelling is stressful (especially in Africa), so yes a little.

Am I overwhelmed? With His love and faithfulness, yes.

Am I sad to say goodbye? Obviously. But they are definitely just “see you laters.”

Am I excited?! YESSS!!! I can’t wait to call Africa my “home” for a while.

So for everyone who is worried or scared or nervous for me, don’t be. I’ve got the GREATEST Travel Buddy around J But you can feel free to pray for travelling safety and successful layovers and no missed flights! Talk to you guys soon!!

Painful Obedience

Want in on a secret? I am not excited to move to Africa. I am not jumping up and down ready to move halfway around the world. I am not packing already or have one foot out the door at work. I have literally sat on the floor crying to my best friend about the move.

“What?” “Is she sure this is where God has asked her to go?” “Maybe she needs to rethink her decision!” “This is a typical 20 year old move. She is just searching for something”

I know… I shouldn’t had said anything. Except I did. Because there’s something I'm slowly beginning to learn about.

Painful Obedience.

Like when God asks you to do something, and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what He’s asking. The peace that surpasses all understanding is in every situation. It perfectly aligns with His Word and your heart. Confirmation and the tiniest of details have been provided as a reminder this is HIS will.

But yet you still are kind of shaking in your boots. You still are wanting so badly to hold onto comfort and familiarity and family and friends. You want what everyone else wants for you.

So when the questions flow and the surprised looks and the disapproving comments come, you don’t really have the heart to back it up. Because you know it’s what God has asked you to do. You know the timeframe is right. You know it is His will and HE needs you in Africa.

But yet it’s painful. It’s not easy. It’s not what you selfishly would have picked. Not this timing. Not in this way.

So you put on your boots and give the best answers you can to the thousands of questions coming at you, and you lean on the group of people that encourage you despite how hard it is when times get too difficult. And then you TRUST that HE has a perfect plan for all of this, and despite how painful it is, HE knows best.

Clinging to His Hand,

Liz

Where my Trust is Without Borders

So here's the story...

Summer before my senior year of high school I took a trip to Uganda. The summer was amazing, but the true work in my heart started when I returned. 5 months later, God was asking me to start a nonprofit to send thousands of shoes to Africa. He opened all the doors, literally if you want to hear lots of incredible stories, just ask about LovethruShoes. It's all Him. A year and a half later, I was a freshman in college and our first container of 5,000 shoes shipped to Zambia. Summer after my freshman year in college with ten days before I left, God asked my ten day trip to be 4 months. I withdrew from college for the semester, said some hard goodbyes, and flew halfway around the world for the Ultimate adventure with Jesus. Resulting in helping to place shoes on hundreds of people's feet and spending lots of days foot washing. Also meeting some of the most impactful people in my life, including some that I came to love like my own family. 4 months later, I arrived back in the States and the harsh reality I was thousands of miles away from my heart hit hard. Then I got a really incredible, perfect timing job in corporate America being put in an administrative assistant type role. My dream. That was before my heart was stolen by Africa. 4 months later, I found out I had an illness that resulted in lots of things including chronic pain, 2 weeks later I was having surgery and 3 weeks later I was headed back to Zambia to surprise my South African mom for her birthday. 4 months later I sit here writing this.

He’s faithful, He’s faithful, He IS faithful. I keep repeating this in my head over and over lately. I sit here looking back in complete shock of what HE has decided to do these past 4 years through and around me.

Before I share what God has decided is my next step in this crazy journey, I want to first say that this is by far the most difficult decision I have made in my life thus far. Not because I didn’t know it was coming or because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but rather because I was stubborn and comfortable and love my family and friends a whole lot. It took a LOT of pillow throwing and teeth pulling to get me to say this “yes.” I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like letting people down. And I absolutely hate goodbyes.

BUT… there’s this question that seemed to come up daily for the past month that changed my perspective completely. And so all of those things I didn’t like or didn’t want to do seemed so small in retrospect of this question.

My flight leaves January 15th. It's a one way ticket. Not because I will never return to the States, but because Africa will now be my home. If you want to know of ways you can join the journey: there's a small list of actual items I need before I leave, specific prayer requests, roles that need to be filled here in the States, and financially supporting of His story.

I am open to questions, concerns, advice, or anything else you may be thinking of. But I ask before you ask or give advice, you get on your knees first. Trust me, this is hard for me too.

Truth is, I am the most organized, planned out, sticky note lover that is letting it all go because I believe in an incredibly radical Savior that has asked me for some pretty crazy movements because He is the Ultimate Steady in my life.

In a sea of "I don't knows"

What will you do after one year? When are you leaving? What about stateside? When will you finish school? What about the finances to get/stay there? How will you get back for the wedding? What about your health?

I don't know. I don't know. And I still don't know. But I am slowly becoming okay with not knowing, simply because I realized some much greater answers that I do know.

My One True Love literally knows exactly how many breaths I will take on this earth, how many steps I will take until I am at home in heaven, and exactly which step will come next. My Ultimate Travel Buddy already has every single detail planned out from where I will live to what I will do hourly to how it will happen. He even has a certain seat number picked out for me on my plane headed across the oceans. He knows the most perfect timing for all of this to happen as well.

AND My Savior also knows exactly when they need me most over there. He is slowly preparing the heart of the most perfect person to take over things here on the States side: preparing their lives and growing the vision for His ministry inside of them as I type. He also knows exactly which plane will arrive on time so I can be there to watch my brother say "I do." He knows exactly which direction I will go after one year.

The reason I am becoming completely okay with all of my "I don't knows" is because I am absolutely positive of a couple of things.

1. My Savior, One True Love, and Ultimate Travel Buddy cares for and loves me deeply. He has every single detail planned out for the rest of my life (HE understands I am obsessed with details, and He promises He's taken care of every single one of them!) He also promises that as long as I cling to Him and let go of myself, He will always, always, always make my paths straight, direction clear, and His will be done.
2. No matter what, my heart lies across those seas. Always. That isn't going away. Ever. I deeply love and care for people I have never even met in a continent that lies halfway across the world. I believe in them and hope one day they believe in themselves and their potential. I love my family and friends over there (not more or less than my family and friends in the States), and I want to spend my time investing in them.
3. America will always be my origin. The place where I come to rest, regroup, and regain my focus. My safety net. My birth family and friends. I will always feel comfortable here and America will always hold a piece of my heart. It is very hard for me to walk away from this place as well.
4. Where God is taking me is much, much better for me. If there is one thing I have learned this past year it's that running from Ninevah will always get me stuck in a whale (I know cheesy, but oh so true) I wholeheartedly believe what He has planned is so much better than anything I could think of! Sometimes I just look back to remind myself how true this is.

So while I hate as much as everybody around me not knowing, I do value everyone's concerned, thoughtful, love driven advice. I know without doubt that this is where I need to be. When? I don't know. For how long? I don't know. What plane and what seat and what day? I don't know. But what about stateside? I don't know. And your health? I don't know.

But He does. He does. He does. Every single detail. Every single answer to our thousands of questions. He does.

Clinging to the steady answers in my life,
Liz

Letter to My Future Sister-in-Law

To My Future Sister-In-Law (which let’s just keep it at sister),

I have been thinking lately about gaining you as a sister. I have been thinking about how blessed my brother is to have met you. And I have some things I want to make sure you know about our family, my brother, and our relationship before you get married to the guy who will always be my big brother.

I remember the first day my brother told me about you. He called while I was at school, and the first words out of his mouth were “You have to meet her. You would love her.” And quickly followed was “Liz, I know this sounds crazy, but I am going to marry this girl.” To be honest, I believed him right away before ever meeting you. The way my brother talked about you was different than any other person he had ever told me about. I knew you were the most perfect girl for my brother to marry.

I know our relationship kind of went through some tough patches, which I take full responsibility for a lot of them. I just want you to know that the reason it was so hard for me to let you in is because we are so similar in so many ways. My parents always said my brother would marry someone a lot like me. And in a lot of ways that is so true. But I also felt like I was losing my best friend and the one guy who has literally looked out for me and loved me since birth. I was losing my big brother. Thing is, I now realize I am gaining a sister, not losing a brother.

With that being said, I know you know that our family is crazy ridiculous at times, but we also ridiculously love each other a lot. I just want to make sure you know that from the day you marry my brother, our family is now yours. All the craziness, all the hardships, you are now a part of that. I know my brother and you will have a family of your own, but just know that we are always there for support, love, and help when needed. You guys are never doing this alone.

Coming from his little sister, I feel like there are some things I just want to make sure you know about my brother, so here they come…

First of all, I promise he will always keep you laughing. Always keep you on your toes, and always make sure you know he loves you. He might sometimes be annoying and you guys will probably eventually get in some fights, but when that happens remember the promise he made to you forever.

Secondly, don’t always do his laundry. But seriously. Make him learn to iron and cook and bake brownies and do his own freaking laundry. I know you won’t but don’t let that smirk fool you.

I also know that when my brother sets his mind to something, it will happen. Still kind of attempting to believe in his dream of being president, but seriously he will give whatever it takes to get where he wants to be. I encourage you to always support and walk alongside him, but also have your own dreams and goals. Don’t ever let your dreams get squashed in the sight of his. I care about both of you too much to see that happen. I promise you that he will always support your heart because that is what he fell in love with.

Lastly, he is incredibly weird and strange and some days you may come home to find him climbing up the side of the house or running with 100 lbs on his back in the heat of the day or jumping in a pool with weights blind folded. But really.  I never thought he’d find someone that could be weird with him J

I know marrying my brother doesn’t mean we automatically have to be friends, but I want you to know how incredibly blessed I am to be able to call you my sister-in-law. There’s just a couple things I feel like you should always know about having me as a sister.

First of all, I know I am in no way the easiest person to get along with. I know I shut people out, can be super confusing, and cannot promise nice words without sleep and caffeine. Just know that no matter what I say or how I feel at times, I will always love you. I don’t take the definition of family lightly, and becoming my sister is something that cannot go away. Ever.

Secondly, know that there will be many more adventurous days ahead. Whether it’s with weddings or babies or teenage kids or when we are old grannies, just know that crazy adventures awaits for the rest of our life. Thankful that no matter where we end up on the road map, we can always end up laughing and encouraging each other.

Lastly, know that your journey and passions and goals are always on my prayer list. My brother and you will always be in my prayers, because I strongly believe prayer is the strongest support in any and every journey God takes you on. Also know that I am rooting for your passions and loves to come to life as you continue on this incredible adventure called life.

With all that being said, I want you to know how excited I am that my brother and you are getting married! Also how incredibly blessed and thankful I am that my brother sent that crazy facebook message a couple years ago. Just know that I am always rooting for you guys, you are always in my prayers, and I cannot wait to stand by you guys as you get married in a few months.

From Your Soon to be Sister for Life

Realizations Standing at a Crossroads

No one told me it would painful. No one told me I would spend many of sleepless nights worrying or crying or wishing more than anything I could do something. No one told me that I would have to love incredible people and be loved by incredible people halfway across the world at all times. No one told me that my heart would never feel at home again. No one told me I would never “fit in” again. No one told me it would not be one country but a continent I would fall in love with. No one told me some of the children I would meet I would come to love as if they were my own. No one told me it would be this hard.

I spent this weekend having several breakdowns in between hanging out with some of the greatest friends in the world. I spent this weekend struggling to fit in on a college campus I once called home, and so wanting to call home again. I spent this weekend fighting with my heart and passion for Africa. And if it wasn’t for one of those really great friends, I would still be fighting and screaming and yelling and wanting so badly to go out on dates with American boys and read textbooks about Business Law and celebrate my 21^st birthday the “right way” and study on Sunday nights and skip 8 am classes and have movie nights on a Tuesday night and just be like all my really incredible inspiring friends.

Because sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I want that life again. Sometimes I want to be the normal American college girl trying to figure out this life thing with people my own age walking this out with me.

BUT more than all of that I want to wake up every day in sweat because of the 110 degree weather in my African home. To go to sleep every night hearing the howling of the street dogs or the singing outside my window.  To walk into a compound and have ten children run up to me crying “Muzungu” and fighting to hold my hand. To sit with people not much younger than me fighting with and for them trying to make them see what I see in them: hope, courage, and strength. To gather in a room with people who don’t speak the same language but all sing and pray to the same God. To hug on a child that has never been shown love before. To bring gifts to people who have never had people care about them enough to bring them gifts. To wholeheartedly serve a family and the families in a community, in whatever way that looks like. To find potential in people that once were outcasts or considered the lowest of the lows. To truly make an impact in one person’s life, one person’s day. To be used by my One True Love in a way only He would create my heart to be used.

This struggle comes from not knowing which path to take. Not having all the answers. Searching so hard but just coming up with more valid options. Seeking wise people’s advice, but only getting more confused in the end. Putting one foot in front of the other only to trip after a couple steps. Constantly not being at peace no matter what option is being brought up. Asking for confirmation and only receiving silence.

My head starts to get in the way of my heart since this struggle has aroused. My head tells me that I am twenty years old and too young to do anything impactful, my heart tells me age doesn’t matter. My head tells me no one would speak against my going back to college because everyone would agree with it, my heart tells me that’s not where God is asking me to be. My head tells me that America could easily become my comfortable home, my heart reminds me Africa is my home and comfort is a giant of a lie.

Thanks to my best friend I was reminded that being at a crossroads sucks. Having too many options but not enough answers sucks. And constantly facing a head that can be validated by people all around you with a heart no one but Him can understand sucks.

So for now I am clinging to the promise all of these tears are for a reason, my passion is to see people in Africa become independent life changers themselves, and that I have some really great friends that put up with me, remind me of who I am, and constantly push me to be a better person.

Being thankful for no sleep and plenty of thoughts,

Liz