History in the Making

As I am coming into another season of change, my head has been constantly swarming with thoughts while my heart seems to be continually broken for things that are breaking HIS Heart.

About a week ago, one of my mentors asked me if I had ever thought to be a history maker. I sort of fell silent on the other end of the phone as I thought, “me a history maker? No way.” But it wasn’t a question about changing the world, but rather not accepting my past to be my future. That even though maybe it has been the same way every year for the past ten years of my life, that it does not in fact have to be that way in the future.

This past weekend, I constantly felt this being spoken over and over. That I am needed where God has called me next “for such a time as this.” To be a history maker. To change what others and myself accepted as normal.

And to be completely honest, there is so much change going on around me that I try to look around and grasp what is happening. It seems nearly impossible to even get a grip on one change before a new one comes, changing things yet again. Persistently, HE has been flipping my world upside down as soon as I seem to get comfortable. For the past three years, this has happened on a consecutive basis. Every time I would get comfortable, my world would be flipped.

Tonight I realized that the reason why it has been like this for the past three years is because every single time my world gets flipped, I learn things that I never would have learned if I would’ve stayed where I was. He continually asks me to step out on the water/ go in over my head/ take me deeper than my feet could ever wander (whatever song analogy you prefer) in order to stretch me farther than before and somehow prepare me for what is coming next. 

It seems almost crazy at times the way HE works in my life. I start to question my own sanity when HE asks me to pack my bags and leave for a country in a weekend without a ticket. Or to quit my dream job in the States to move to a third world country. Or the countless of crazy things being laid on my heart right now. Things I do not at all understand myself, but yet I know that somehow HE is using all of it to prepare my heart for what is up ahead.

So tonight I realized that yes I want to be a history maker, because every time I take a leap of faith, I am further stretched and prepared for whatever story HE is writing in and through my life.

Precious Pain

 These next few words came flowing out of my heart tonight, and as long as the words flow I will share because they need to be heard. This isn’t my story, but rather of two girls that have stolen a huge chunk of my heart.

“Kutemwa, Kutemwa. Wake up,” I awoke to in broken English to see a face staring at me while I was sleeping off the exhaustion from the sickness attacking my body. At first I thought something was wrong, but then she points to my journal and asks to draw. That’s how we communicated. Through a mix of broken English and her local language and pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. My journal was filled with pictures that still bring me to tears. I went through 3 pens in 3 weeks, but I didn’t even care. It was worth not being able to write to have my pages filled with the beauty of her drawings.

I get up and sit on the floor to watch her face light up while she is drawing. The joy literally radiates out of her. Her smile and laugh as I tell her she is precious, even if she doesn’t understand what that word means. Since this can go on all day, I decide to get up and walk out to see the rest of my village family outside the hut. First thing I am greeted by is being asked if I need tea or more medicine or something to help me feel better. I smile and wish they could truly realize how much just sitting with them brings so much joy and Light.

A few hours later, I sit on the steps watching a little girlie continuing to draw and laugh at my pictures while watching another girlie cook on an open fire after being in school all day. Her servant heart shines through along with the deep joy and peace with being in this place. His grace is all I can think about while watching them.

Days went by spending time with them, loving on them but being so overwhelmed with love and joy back. Then I had to say goodbye. I knew it wouldn’t be forever, but yet for a time. Weeks passed turning into months. Months turning into two years. I prayed for both of those girlies every night. I heard updates occasionally and how school had gone each semester, but I just wanted to give them a hug. I wanted to see for myself that they were being given the opportunity to accomplish their dreams.

Two years later, my heart shattered for both of them. Situations young girls should never have to be in, these girlies were put in. And because HE is faithful, just a few weeks later, God brought me back to see them. After all the pain and heartache one precious girlie had endured, the joy and laughter shared was simply HIS grace. His joy. And oh my definitely HIS love. But my heart broke after seeing the other precious princess who used to draw me pictures and be filled with so much joy. She was broken, and her smile was gone. I could feel a tiny piece of HIS pain and hurt for HIS daughter. And as I sat there crying and questioning why, I started to understand a bit more.

A few years ago I prayed continually for my heart to be broken for what breaks His. It is only a really tiny part of what breaks His Heart, but yet it overwhelmingly broke mine. And it made me realize as much as we hurt and cry for the people we love, HE hurts and cries that much more. HE is holding them. HE is their Rescuer and Redeemer.

Because sometimes I just need to let pieces out in order to process the whole.