Painful Obedience

Want in on a secret? I am not excited to move to Africa. I am not jumping up and down ready to move halfway around the world. I am not packing already or have one foot out the door at work. I have literally sat on the floor crying to my best friend about the move.

“What?” “Is she sure this is where God has asked her to go?” “Maybe she needs to rethink her decision!” “This is a typical 20 year old move. She is just searching for something”

I know… I shouldn’t had said anything. Except I did. Because there’s something I'm slowly beginning to learn about.

Painful Obedience.

Like when God asks you to do something, and you know without a shadow of a doubt that it is what He’s asking. The peace that surpasses all understanding is in every situation. It perfectly aligns with His Word and your heart. Confirmation and the tiniest of details have been provided as a reminder this is HIS will.

But yet you still are kind of shaking in your boots. You still are wanting so badly to hold onto comfort and familiarity and family and friends. You want what everyone else wants for you.

So when the questions flow and the surprised looks and the disapproving comments come, you don’t really have the heart to back it up. Because you know it’s what God has asked you to do. You know the timeframe is right. You know it is His will and HE needs you in Africa.

But yet it’s painful. It’s not easy. It’s not what you selfishly would have picked. Not this timing. Not in this way.

So you put on your boots and give the best answers you can to the thousands of questions coming at you, and you lean on the group of people that encourage you despite how hard it is when times get too difficult. And then you TRUST that HE has a perfect plan for all of this, and despite how painful it is, HE knows best.

Clinging to His Hand,

Liz

Where my Trust is Without Borders

So here's the story...

Summer before my senior year of high school I took a trip to Uganda. The summer was amazing, but the true work in my heart started when I returned. 5 months later, God was asking me to start a nonprofit to send thousands of shoes to Africa. He opened all the doors, literally if you want to hear lots of incredible stories, just ask about LovethruShoes. It's all Him. A year and a half later, I was a freshman in college and our first container of 5,000 shoes shipped to Zambia. Summer after my freshman year in college with ten days before I left, God asked my ten day trip to be 4 months. I withdrew from college for the semester, said some hard goodbyes, and flew halfway around the world for the Ultimate adventure with Jesus. Resulting in helping to place shoes on hundreds of people's feet and spending lots of days foot washing. Also meeting some of the most impactful people in my life, including some that I came to love like my own family. 4 months later, I arrived back in the States and the harsh reality I was thousands of miles away from my heart hit hard. Then I got a really incredible, perfect timing job in corporate America being put in an administrative assistant type role. My dream. That was before my heart was stolen by Africa. 4 months later, I found out I had an illness that resulted in lots of things including chronic pain, 2 weeks later I was having surgery and 3 weeks later I was headed back to Zambia to surprise my South African mom for her birthday. 4 months later I sit here writing this.

He’s faithful, He’s faithful, He IS faithful. I keep repeating this in my head over and over lately. I sit here looking back in complete shock of what HE has decided to do these past 4 years through and around me.

Before I share what God has decided is my next step in this crazy journey, I want to first say that this is by far the most difficult decision I have made in my life thus far. Not because I didn’t know it was coming or because I didn’t know what I was supposed to do, but rather because I was stubborn and comfortable and love my family and friends a whole lot. It took a LOT of pillow throwing and teeth pulling to get me to say this “yes.” I don’t like disappointing people. I don’t like letting people down. And I absolutely hate goodbyes.

BUT… there’s this question that seemed to come up daily for the past month that changed my perspective completely. And so all of those things I didn’t like or didn’t want to do seemed so small in retrospect of this question.

My flight leaves January 15th. It's a one way ticket. Not because I will never return to the States, but because Africa will now be my home. If you want to know of ways you can join the journey: there's a small list of actual items I need before I leave, specific prayer requests, roles that need to be filled here in the States, and financially supporting of His story.

I am open to questions, concerns, advice, or anything else you may be thinking of. But I ask before you ask or give advice, you get on your knees first. Trust me, this is hard for me too.

Truth is, I am the most organized, planned out, sticky note lover that is letting it all go because I believe in an incredibly radical Savior that has asked me for some pretty crazy movements because He is the Ultimate Steady in my life.

In a sea of "I don't knows"

What will you do after one year? When are you leaving? What about stateside? When will you finish school? What about the finances to get/stay there? How will you get back for the wedding? What about your health?

I don't know. I don't know. And I still don't know. But I am slowly becoming okay with not knowing, simply because I realized some much greater answers that I do know.

My One True Love literally knows exactly how many breaths I will take on this earth, how many steps I will take until I am at home in heaven, and exactly which step will come next. My Ultimate Travel Buddy already has every single detail planned out from where I will live to what I will do hourly to how it will happen. He even has a certain seat number picked out for me on my plane headed across the oceans. He knows the most perfect timing for all of this to happen as well.

AND My Savior also knows exactly when they need me most over there. He is slowly preparing the heart of the most perfect person to take over things here on the States side: preparing their lives and growing the vision for His ministry inside of them as I type. He also knows exactly which plane will arrive on time so I can be there to watch my brother say "I do." He knows exactly which direction I will go after one year.

The reason I am becoming completely okay with all of my "I don't knows" is because I am absolutely positive of a couple of things.

1. My Savior, One True Love, and Ultimate Travel Buddy cares for and loves me deeply. He has every single detail planned out for the rest of my life (HE understands I am obsessed with details, and He promises He's taken care of every single one of them!) He also promises that as long as I cling to Him and let go of myself, He will always, always, always make my paths straight, direction clear, and His will be done.
2. No matter what, my heart lies across those seas. Always. That isn't going away. Ever. I deeply love and care for people I have never even met in a continent that lies halfway across the world. I believe in them and hope one day they believe in themselves and their potential. I love my family and friends over there (not more or less than my family and friends in the States), and I want to spend my time investing in them.
3. America will always be my origin. The place where I come to rest, regroup, and regain my focus. My safety net. My birth family and friends. I will always feel comfortable here and America will always hold a piece of my heart. It is very hard for me to walk away from this place as well.
4. Where God is taking me is much, much better for me. If there is one thing I have learned this past year it's that running from Ninevah will always get me stuck in a whale (I know cheesy, but oh so true) I wholeheartedly believe what He has planned is so much better than anything I could think of! Sometimes I just look back to remind myself how true this is.

So while I hate as much as everybody around me not knowing, I do value everyone's concerned, thoughtful, love driven advice. I know without doubt that this is where I need to be. When? I don't know. For how long? I don't know. What plane and what seat and what day? I don't know. But what about stateside? I don't know. And your health? I don't know.

But He does. He does. He does. Every single detail. Every single answer to our thousands of questions. He does.

Clinging to the steady answers in my life,
Liz

Letter to My Future Sister-in-Law

To My Future Sister-In-Law (which let’s just keep it at sister),

I have been thinking lately about gaining you as a sister. I have been thinking about how blessed my brother is to have met you. And I have some things I want to make sure you know about our family, my brother, and our relationship before you get married to the guy who will always be my big brother.

I remember the first day my brother told me about you. He called while I was at school, and the first words out of his mouth were “You have to meet her. You would love her.” And quickly followed was “Liz, I know this sounds crazy, but I am going to marry this girl.” To be honest, I believed him right away before ever meeting you. The way my brother talked about you was different than any other person he had ever told me about. I knew you were the most perfect girl for my brother to marry.

I know our relationship kind of went through some tough patches, which I take full responsibility for a lot of them. I just want you to know that the reason it was so hard for me to let you in is because we are so similar in so many ways. My parents always said my brother would marry someone a lot like me. And in a lot of ways that is so true. But I also felt like I was losing my best friend and the one guy who has literally looked out for me and loved me since birth. I was losing my big brother. Thing is, I now realize I am gaining a sister, not losing a brother.

With that being said, I know you know that our family is crazy ridiculous at times, but we also ridiculously love each other a lot. I just want to make sure you know that from the day you marry my brother, our family is now yours. All the craziness, all the hardships, you are now a part of that. I know my brother and you will have a family of your own, but just know that we are always there for support, love, and help when needed. You guys are never doing this alone.

Coming from his little sister, I feel like there are some things I just want to make sure you know about my brother, so here they come…

First of all, I promise he will always keep you laughing. Always keep you on your toes, and always make sure you know he loves you. He might sometimes be annoying and you guys will probably eventually get in some fights, but when that happens remember the promise he made to you forever.

Secondly, don’t always do his laundry. But seriously. Make him learn to iron and cook and bake brownies and do his own freaking laundry. I know you won’t but don’t let that smirk fool you.

I also know that when my brother sets his mind to something, it will happen. Still kind of attempting to believe in his dream of being president, but seriously he will give whatever it takes to get where he wants to be. I encourage you to always support and walk alongside him, but also have your own dreams and goals. Don’t ever let your dreams get squashed in the sight of his. I care about both of you too much to see that happen. I promise you that he will always support your heart because that is what he fell in love with.

Lastly, he is incredibly weird and strange and some days you may come home to find him climbing up the side of the house or running with 100 lbs on his back in the heat of the day or jumping in a pool with weights blind folded. But really.  I never thought he’d find someone that could be weird with him J

I know marrying my brother doesn’t mean we automatically have to be friends, but I want you to know how incredibly blessed I am to be able to call you my sister-in-law. There’s just a couple things I feel like you should always know about having me as a sister.

First of all, I know I am in no way the easiest person to get along with. I know I shut people out, can be super confusing, and cannot promise nice words without sleep and caffeine. Just know that no matter what I say or how I feel at times, I will always love you. I don’t take the definition of family lightly, and becoming my sister is something that cannot go away. Ever.

Secondly, know that there will be many more adventurous days ahead. Whether it’s with weddings or babies or teenage kids or when we are old grannies, just know that crazy adventures awaits for the rest of our life. Thankful that no matter where we end up on the road map, we can always end up laughing and encouraging each other.

Lastly, know that your journey and passions and goals are always on my prayer list. My brother and you will always be in my prayers, because I strongly believe prayer is the strongest support in any and every journey God takes you on. Also know that I am rooting for your passions and loves to come to life as you continue on this incredible adventure called life.

With all that being said, I want you to know how excited I am that my brother and you are getting married! Also how incredibly blessed and thankful I am that my brother sent that crazy facebook message a couple years ago. Just know that I am always rooting for you guys, you are always in my prayers, and I cannot wait to stand by you guys as you get married in a few months.

From Your Soon to be Sister for Life

Realizations Standing at a Crossroads

No one told me it would painful. No one told me I would spend many of sleepless nights worrying or crying or wishing more than anything I could do something. No one told me that I would have to love incredible people and be loved by incredible people halfway across the world at all times. No one told me that my heart would never feel at home again. No one told me I would never “fit in” again. No one told me it would not be one country but a continent I would fall in love with. No one told me some of the children I would meet I would come to love as if they were my own. No one told me it would be this hard.

I spent this weekend having several breakdowns in between hanging out with some of the greatest friends in the world. I spent this weekend struggling to fit in on a college campus I once called home, and so wanting to call home again. I spent this weekend fighting with my heart and passion for Africa. And if it wasn’t for one of those really great friends, I would still be fighting and screaming and yelling and wanting so badly to go out on dates with American boys and read textbooks about Business Law and celebrate my 21^st birthday the “right way” and study on Sunday nights and skip 8 am classes and have movie nights on a Tuesday night and just be like all my really incredible inspiring friends.

Because sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I want that life again. Sometimes I want to be the normal American college girl trying to figure out this life thing with people my own age walking this out with me.

BUT more than all of that I want to wake up every day in sweat because of the 110 degree weather in my African home. To go to sleep every night hearing the howling of the street dogs or the singing outside my window.  To walk into a compound and have ten children run up to me crying “Muzungu” and fighting to hold my hand. To sit with people not much younger than me fighting with and for them trying to make them see what I see in them: hope, courage, and strength. To gather in a room with people who don’t speak the same language but all sing and pray to the same God. To hug on a child that has never been shown love before. To bring gifts to people who have never had people care about them enough to bring them gifts. To wholeheartedly serve a family and the families in a community, in whatever way that looks like. To find potential in people that once were outcasts or considered the lowest of the lows. To truly make an impact in one person’s life, one person’s day. To be used by my One True Love in a way only He would create my heart to be used.

This struggle comes from not knowing which path to take. Not having all the answers. Searching so hard but just coming up with more valid options. Seeking wise people’s advice, but only getting more confused in the end. Putting one foot in front of the other only to trip after a couple steps. Constantly not being at peace no matter what option is being brought up. Asking for confirmation and only receiving silence.

My head starts to get in the way of my heart since this struggle has aroused. My head tells me that I am twenty years old and too young to do anything impactful, my heart tells me age doesn’t matter. My head tells me no one would speak against my going back to college because everyone would agree with it, my heart tells me that’s not where God is asking me to be. My head tells me that America could easily become my comfortable home, my heart reminds me Africa is my home and comfort is a giant of a lie.

Thanks to my best friend I was reminded that being at a crossroads sucks. Having too many options but not enough answers sucks. And constantly facing a head that can be validated by people all around you with a heart no one but Him can understand sucks.

So for now I am clinging to the promise all of these tears are for a reason, my passion is to see people in Africa become independent life changers themselves, and that I have some really great friends that put up with me, remind me of who I am, and constantly push me to be a better person.

Being thankful for no sleep and plenty of thoughts,

Liz

Unexplainable Love

Although under not the greatest circumstances, this week has given me lots of time to think. While driving back and forth from the hospital and to work and while lying awake late at night listening to the beeping white noise in the hospital room. Let’s just say I am forever grateful that I was able to be here, a couple miles down the road from my dad this week.

But with all that thinking, came a lot of words that I have struggled to write out. I just feel like it is so important to explain. Explain that I in no way chose a life where my heart lies across oceans. Explain that I kind of wish the accusations of me just “running” from something were true. Explain that I understand and believe in the importance of college and education and a bright future. Explain that I am not giving up on any of that.

I take people’s opinions way too heavily sometimes, but the past couple weeks have brought on a lot of them. I try to explain it to people. How I could possibly want to live in a third world country where there is a higher chance of diseases and danger. How I could possibly want to leave an incredible job and promise of a bright career future to live every day with dirt filled hands and dusty feet. How I could want to give up comfort and convenience and consistency. How at my age, I could even think about moving halfway across the world.

And I struggle with these questions all the time. I struggle trying to explain my heart to people. And I get it. It is absolutely crazy. I am absolutely insane. And I am giving up so much in the eyes of people around me.

But I guess my perception is a bit skewed to my heart when it comes to this. Because I see it a bit differently.

I see the amount of joy I have every day when I wake up and the amount of exhaustion every night when I go to sleep in Africa. I see the way my heart beats really fast when I am on the plane about to land back in my favorite land. I see of course the things I can try to show through pictures, but I actually feel the hugs and the immense joy and love that comes with those. I understand the automatic respect we have as Americans, and I see the potential that can hold to change people’s hearts and lives. I see the way my heart fills with peace despite whatever circumstance I may be in over there. I feel the love between so many mentors and friends who understand my passion and heart, many who share the same with me. I see the smiles that surround me everywhere I go over there, and I see the desperation in their hearts for change. I know the potential so many of them hold over there, and simply just need someone to believe in them and help them out of this cycle of dependency. I see that despite the struggles I face over there, I always have a heart that is at home. I see the need for what God is asking me to do.

I cannot always explain what my heart holds. But who really can explain love? Is it explainable?  Because I have yet to find a way to explain how I feel when I step foot on African soil. Or how I feel when I am holding the most precious, unloved baby in my arms and feel more compassion than I have ever felt before. Or how I feel when I walk into a house that I know I can just sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk things out. Oh how I miss that so much. How I miss those people so much.

No longer can I look on a map and just see a country or a continent. Instead I think of the friends and the family that live on that globe. It no longer is a mission trip experience, it is my second home. That’s the thing, I’ve always been told that statistics change when numbers no longer become numbers but instead faces and names.

This week was rough because I realized how short life really is. But I realized how blessed I am to be in America, and how blessed I am with a heart that lies across oceans. My hearts divided, but I know where He is asking me to call home.

Confronting Comfort

I sit here in a nice king size bed with white sheets, a glass of water next to me, smelling like flowers from the bubble bath I took earlier, and a completely full belly from the dinner I ate. I start to sink into the sheets and remind myself why America is so great.

Comfort. This past week that word has been thrown at me from all different angles. At first I responded in the conversations barely thinking anything about the topic, but then it started coming up more and more, and today it slammed me right in the face. Again. God blew me away with His persistently spoken truths.

The struggle with this idea of comfort really just started. I always wanted to live outside my comfort zone ever since I stepped foot on African soil and saw what amazing things happen when you live every day completely leaning on Him. I never really wanted to stay comfortable until lately. My body still isn’t as pain-free as I had hoped it would be after surgery and countless doctor visits, and my job is something I enjoy doing now, and I have some really great family and friends here I adore spending time with. And it’s like all of a sudden I opened a door to find this huge Goliath standing in my way of saying YES.

I debated filling out the application. I debated sending the email. It no longer was “YES Lord… here I am. Whenever, wherever, however.” It has become question after question about something He has confirmed over and over again. No not everything on my “list” has been done, but He is the ultimate planner not me. And so I sit over here struggling with this idea of comfort.

I don’t want to leave the safety and security of my home country. I don’t want to leave the promise of good healthcare and clean hospitals. I don’t want to leave the ability to drive on the right side of the road and eat good American hamburgers. And I sure do not want to leave the comfort of this king sized bed.

But I do. My heart does. My heart longs for where He is asking me to go. My body aches to be back in those compounds and villages with no connection to anyone but my One True Love and the people who need to feel the loving embrace of My Savior. My heart is begging to go home. No matter how uncomfortable home may seem at times.

 Today the question was asked “What nation is calling you home?” I held back the tears hard, but the question has been ringing through my ears all day long. It once again stirred my heart and reminded me this is only but a layover. Time is still needed. I no longer have the urgency to run and hop on the next plane back to where my heart lies. Now I have an urgency to live every day God is giving me in America with the most life and passion and purpose I can. So when He does hand me my next boarding pass in a few months, I will be completely ready for the next adventure with the Greatest Travelling Buddy around.

Thankful He’s walking this out with me,

Liz

Writing My Story

It’s getting close to 2 am, and my mind is racing. This is the first of sleepless nights since I have returned, but I know it won’t be the last. It’s been almost a week since I have returned back to the States, and finally it is all hitting me.

 

While it was only 10 days in Africa this time, it was ten of the most encouraging, refocusing days I have had in a couple months. God knew I needed that trip more than even I did. And while now I have a heavy heart because of doors God opened and closed while away, I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity to walk through so many doors thus far in life.

I guess if there is one thing that I started to learn in these past couple months, it’s that God is writing my story, not me. And I look back over my blog posts and stay up late reading other people’s “God stories,” and I have come to the conclusion that as long as we run recklessly after the God of the Universe, He will redefine words that once were bitter to our lips. He will write a better story than we could ever plan out ourselves. And He will take care of all the details, as long as we just LET GO and HOLD ON.

And I know, I know…. I can be the most controlling person ever, so I get it. I used to block schedule every hour of my time and have to-do lists covering my desks and room. I’ve had every little detail of my wedding planned out since I was like 7, and I had this picture perfect plan of how my life would go. But by letting my need for control go. By throwing my hands out in surrender saying “I give in. I can’t do this on my own,” I seem to experience some of the greatest mountains and valleys.

I guess one of my favorite stories of this past trip to Africa is the stories of 3 ladies that really impacted me a lot. By far one of my favorite moments (next to seeing giraffes and zebras!!!!) was getting to have coffee with all 3 of them. And maybe to them it was just a normal get together, but for me, I knew how much wisdom and love and God’s faithfulness was placed in that circle as we talked. Just the fact that we all were there together and our stories ended up all connecting was a total GOD thing! So I still get chills when I think about how the people who took me to the airport ended up meeting their now “school coordinator” because I had to drop off supplies to make LovethruShoes bracelets to this lady. And then coming back months later, and seeing how God had this super perfect plan for all of us to end up sitting in a circle under a beautiful African tree having cappuccino and rusks and discussing life and love and Christ and passions.

And it’s not just the mountains that I am starting to see His goodness and blessings. I was recently reading a book that took me a good 3 months to finish as I kept putting it down in frustration. I hated the words on those pages because I knew how true they were. I started to see that sometimes it takes shattering of dreams in our valleys in order to prepare our heart for a mountain we have never even dreamt possible. And that the greatest thing about valleys are we get to see God shine through like never before. Because it was in the days the pain in my body was too much to bare that I saw God’s strength like never before. It was in the nights I couldn’t get along with anyone because I was running from what God was asking of me, that I saw God’s patience and persistence like never before. And it was in the second I boarded that plane back to Africa that His faithfulness shone through like never before.

So I am back in America until God’s story has a new destination for me. But for now, I will be thankful for the Starbucks and nice, clean grocery stores and my car and ChickfilA and good health care and friends and family in the States. Trying to soak it all in, even at 2 am :)