But with all that thinking, came a lot of words that I have
struggled to write out. I just feel like it is so important to explain. Explain
that I in no way chose a life where my heart lies across oceans. Explain that I
kind of wish the accusations of me just “running” from something were true.
Explain that I understand and believe in the importance of college and
education and a bright future. Explain that I am not giving up on any of that.
I take people’s opinions way too heavily sometimes, but the
past couple weeks have brought on a lot of them. I try to explain it to people.
How I could possibly want to live in a third world country where there is a
higher chance of diseases and danger. How I could possibly want to leave an
incredible job and promise of a bright career future to live every day with dirt
filled hands and dusty feet. How I could want to give up comfort and convenience
and consistency. How at my age, I could even think about moving halfway across
the world.
And I struggle with these questions all the time. I struggle
trying to explain my heart to people. And I get it. It is absolutely crazy. I
am absolutely insane. And I am giving up so much in the eyes of people around
me.
But I guess my perception is a bit skewed to my heart when
it comes to this. Because I see it a bit differently.
I see the amount of joy I have every day when I wake up and the
amount of exhaustion every night when I go to sleep in Africa. I see the way my
heart beats really fast when I am on the plane about to land back in my
favorite land. I see of course the things I can try to show through pictures,
but I actually feel the hugs and the immense joy and love that comes with
those. I understand the automatic respect we have as Americans, and I see the
potential that can hold to change people’s hearts and lives. I see the way my
heart fills with peace despite whatever circumstance I may be in over there. I
feel the love between so many mentors and friends who understand my passion and
heart, many who share the same with me. I see the smiles that surround me
everywhere I go over there, and I see the desperation in their hearts for
change. I know the potential so many of them hold over there, and simply just
need someone to believe in them and help them out of this cycle of dependency. I
see that despite the struggles I face over there, I always have a heart that is
at home. I see the need for what God is asking me to do.
I cannot always explain what my heart holds. But who really
can explain love? Is it explainable? Because I have yet to find a way to
explain how I feel when I step foot on African soil. Or how I feel when I am
holding the most precious, unloved baby in my arms and feel more compassion
than I have ever felt before. Or how I feel when I walk into a house that I
know I can just sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk things out. Oh how I
miss that so much. How I miss those people so much.
No longer can I look on a map and just see a country or a
continent. Instead I think of the friends and the family that live on that
globe. It no longer is a mission trip experience, it is my second home. That’s the thing, I’ve always been told that statistics change when
numbers no longer become numbers but instead faces and names.
This week was rough because I realized how short life
really is. But I realized how blessed I am to be in America, and how blessed I
am with a heart that lies across oceans. My hearts divided, but I know where He
is asking me to call home.
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