Choosing Joy in the Intense

So I should be sleeping, or at least that’s what I keep repeating to myself. After all, I already wrote for hours today, my body is fighting off sickness, and I have to teach English at 7am tomorrow morning. Not to mention I am dog sitting a pup who doesn’t like to sleep in. But yet my heart is aching and I decided to just let it all out in exchange for the needed sleep.

This season is harder than I expected it to be. And to be honest that kind of gets me down. I didn’t expect it to be so intense and necessary and vital. I didn’t expect it to be a crash preparation course for whatever is coming up ahead.

And the more I have coffee with people, the more I seem to not be able to explain the intensity on my heart. The deep longing and pain that accompanies this season. The deep knowing on one hand and utter confusion on the other that fills my head on a daily basis lately. The deep sitting in brokenness but not staying there. Using the deep healing that took place for a purpose other than my own.

It’s intense guys. Like I constantly need chocolate, Truth, and soul care just to make it through one of the many things laid on my heart and schedule lately.

I have always felt inadequate and unqualified for most things I have been placed in thus far in life. Back that up, every calling I have been placed in. But these things. They are where my personal heartbreak meets the world and they collide. Hopefully one day creating something beautiful, but currently just creating an intensity and in-depthness like never before. Not only do I feel inadequate and unqualified, but I also feel confused, frustrated, and super unsure where this all is leading to.

There’s this quote from a book I’m reading that says “Be obedient, trust, and believe God. Let Him boss around any contrary feelings.”

So lately choosing joy looks a lot like leaning on, relying on, and being confident in God. And then letting Him deal with everything else.

Because He has absolutely placed me in this safe house serving girls for a reason. He has absolutely placed me in this writing a bigger story for a purpose. He has absolutely opened some doors and closed some doors lately for a purpose. And He has absolutely placed me in the families I am serving, the friendships I have, and the communities I am in… for a purpose.

Even when I can’t always see the purpose and reasons, I am learning to lean on, rely on, and be confident in HIM. Because that’s what trust is all about, right?