Choosing Joy in the Intense

So I should be sleeping, or at least that’s what I keep repeating to myself. After all, I already wrote for hours today, my body is fighting off sickness, and I have to teach English at 7am tomorrow morning. Not to mention I am dog sitting a pup who doesn’t like to sleep in. But yet my heart is aching and I decided to just let it all out in exchange for the needed sleep.

This season is harder than I expected it to be. And to be honest that kind of gets me down. I didn’t expect it to be so intense and necessary and vital. I didn’t expect it to be a crash preparation course for whatever is coming up ahead.

And the more I have coffee with people, the more I seem to not be able to explain the intensity on my heart. The deep longing and pain that accompanies this season. The deep knowing on one hand and utter confusion on the other that fills my head on a daily basis lately. The deep sitting in brokenness but not staying there. Using the deep healing that took place for a purpose other than my own.

It’s intense guys. Like I constantly need chocolate, Truth, and soul care just to make it through one of the many things laid on my heart and schedule lately.

I have always felt inadequate and unqualified for most things I have been placed in thus far in life. Back that up, every calling I have been placed in. But these things. They are where my personal heartbreak meets the world and they collide. Hopefully one day creating something beautiful, but currently just creating an intensity and in-depthness like never before. Not only do I feel inadequate and unqualified, but I also feel confused, frustrated, and super unsure where this all is leading to.

There’s this quote from a book I’m reading that says “Be obedient, trust, and believe God. Let Him boss around any contrary feelings.”

So lately choosing joy looks a lot like leaning on, relying on, and being confident in God. And then letting Him deal with everything else.

Because He has absolutely placed me in this safe house serving girls for a reason. He has absolutely placed me in this writing a bigger story for a purpose. He has absolutely opened some doors and closed some doors lately for a purpose. And He has absolutely placed me in the families I am serving, the friendships I have, and the communities I am in… for a purpose.

Even when I can’t always see the purpose and reasons, I am learning to lean on, rely on, and be confident in HIM. Because that’s what trust is all about, right?

Ending of a Season

Ending of seasons. They always get me. They always come with sugar overloads and a box of tissues. Maybe it’s my abandonment issues or my lack of being able to let go, but as much as I wanted this past season to end, it actually took me aback by how hard ending it was. But as hard as it was, it also made me look back and remember His Faithfulness and Goodness. It allowed me to see things in a different view.

I opened my journal from this past season and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I was so scared. So worried. So anxious. God was pushing me outside my comfort zone when He asked me to go to counseling or join a random small group or ask some random girl to change our coffee date to the next day or take a flight to Dubai. I was so scared, but each time I said yes with shaky hands and all. And you know what, those were the absolute best things of this past season. That trip reminded me that this season was coming to a close, and that He was about to fulfill His Promises to me. That small group led me to meet some of the greatest girls and allowed a safe place to share my heart for a time. And that random girl, well yeah she’s one of my Jesus sisters and someone who spoke so much truth into this past season and provided a lot of laughter in the wilderness. And the counseling was what God used to heal and redeem and restore me into who HE had created me to be. He provided a safe space for vulnerability and realness in a way I could never have thought would happen.

I wrote some notes from a podcast I had listened to in the middle of this past season, and my favorite quote was this:

“Perhaps what you are waiting for in your life carries more weight

than you realize and that is why you are waiting.”

This past season of waiting, of becoming, was hard. It was redefining who I was and who HE created me to be. It was a season of healing and redemption and restoration. It was a season of FREEDOM from anxiety and fears. It was a season that brought beauty from these ashes.
This morning it finally ended. I checked the last things off the list of “Becoming” and I cried through the hardness of saying “see you later.”

And as hard as this close of a season has been, it is a reminder that HE is forever faithful and good. That HE brought me through the wilderness, and that HE can heal and redeem and restore. That HE had a purpose and a plan and timing for this past season. And that what is coming will be more than I could ever imagine. Because if there is one thing I repeated to myself over and over again this past year, it was that “God works all things together for my good and HIS GLORY.”

So yes it hurts to say “see you later” and to close doors in a chapter, but I trust HIM and know that HE is working it all out in a way I could never even see or imagine. The best thing though? Is that I never have to travel without the Greatest Travel Buddy around. So wherever, whenever, however, and whoever this next season brings me; I am ready, with shaky hands and all.

Soul Tired

There’s this quote I saw a few days ago that said “sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that is tired.” That’s where I have been living this past week. From a tired soul.  And no matter how much sleep I get or how many cups of coffee I drink, it doesn’t change. It’s not my schedule or my time commitments that are making me tired, because quite honestly my calendar looks pretty boring a week in advance.

It’s my heart that is exhausted.

And I knew walking into this season of “becoming” would be hard. I knew healing and freedom were not things that came lightly or without struggle. I knew this, and I weighed this, and yet I still decided to walk forward. Because I believe freedom is worth it. (And I was a little fed up with living out of fear)

This past week, I have been reminded how important it is to take care of my heart. To live out of the overflow means you have to be fueled yourself first. You can’t give what you don’t have. And so as I started to relook at these past few months and knowing that this season is almost over, I came up with a list of things I wanted to remind myself when I have a tired soul:

1) Taking time to do things that speaks to your heart is soooo important. A few months ago I came up with this idea of #soulcaresaturday. I literally just created this intentional space in my life to rejuvenate and refocus where I was. Every soul care Saturday looks so different. Some are spent completely by myself in the Word or in prayer. And others are spent with friends who breathe Jesus into me. Every week I walk away from these days and feel so ready to walk into what the next week holds.

2) Speaking truth against the lies. You speak truth enough and you shift your gaze off of the lies and onto the One who is Always True. Speaking life brings life.

3) Spending time in the Word is obviously refueling. But being rooted and living from HIS Word is life giving.

4) People keep telling me that this is a lot to carry. And I look at them and think “I mean I guess.” But this week I let myself realize it is hard. It is painful. Because constantly sitting in hurts/pains and taking the arrows that fly at you plus pouring out into people at the same time, well that is a lot. But the good thing is I don’t have to carry this, because HE does. HE carries all these hard things, I just have to lay them down.

5) Let them tears fall. I used to think crying was weakness. But really crying is strength. Crying is letting go. Crying is saying “I can’t and I don’t want to do this alone.”

6) Having people around me. Like literally the greatest community. HE pours love and joy into my soul through them. It’s amazing to be a part of.

The truth is, I have seen people this week in the same position. They are walking around with a tired soul. These people are strong. They are brave. They have courage. And they will keep going, because they know how important this fight is.

But until we put our perspective where it belongs and care for our souls, we can’t keep fighting.

Chosen and Changed

It’s been seven months since I left Africa. That seems absolutely crazy to me. It still seems like yesterday that I was surprising everyone at one home and saying “see you in a few months” to everyone at my other home. It seems crazy that these past few months my life has continually changed, leaving barely any room for comfort or normalcy. And for that I am incredibly thankful, because this season is probably one of the most important I have gone through thus far.

So many have asked me questions I can’t answer. Especially friends and family I love dearly halfway across the world. It isn’t that I don’t want to share the answers, but rather I have been asking God the exact same questions. But this past year has been a journey of JUMPING then BECOMING.

I have had walls completely torn down. I have battled some tough battles against fear and anxiety. I have daily struggled to keep faith in the promises HE made while in Africa. I have had my perspective flipped upside down and inside out. I have had so many words redefined I could actually write a dictionary now. I have asked questions upon questions and only seem to get more questions in return. I have made the wrong decisions and the right ones, having people I love question both. I have jumped into the unknown and ran from the unexpected.

But enough about me. I want to tell you about the Greatest Travel Buddy through all of this. Because let me tell you, HE has been so patient and persistent. HE has sent communities, but not just any community, the most perfect for the season I’m in. HE has sent friends over coffee pointing back to the truth when I seem to get off track. HE has sent safe havens to REST through families, coffee shops, or homes. HE has literally flown someone halfway across the world because I needed to hear something from the exact person who said it. HE has used a six year old in Africa to call me on a day I needed to know HIS love so much. HE has opened doors, closed doors, and reminded me of HIS faithfulness.

Guys, HE doesn’t have to do any of that. Like seriously HE is the King of Kings, and yet HE still cares immensely about my heart and where I am and where I am going. That thought literally amazes me. That yes this journey of “becoming” has been incredibly painful, but it has been so far one of the most beautiful times in my life to get to be able to know HIM on a deeper level.

To truly understand that we are a CHOSEN daughter (or son) of the King of Kings. That we BELONG to HIM. That HE delights when we run to HIM. That we have an ADVOCATE on our behalf. Let me just tell you, that one blows my mind, and makes my orphan aching heart feel so much more loved.

Part of me craves normalcy, steadiness, and a safe haven. I’m learning that can all be found in HIM. Because the part of me that craves adventure, radical love, and crazy God moments is how HE made me.

 

Completely Soaking in His Love,

Elizabeth

History in the Making

As I am coming into another season of change, my head has been constantly swarming with thoughts while my heart seems to be continually broken for things that are breaking HIS Heart.

About a week ago, one of my mentors asked me if I had ever thought to be a history maker. I sort of fell silent on the other end of the phone as I thought, “me a history maker? No way.” But it wasn’t a question about changing the world, but rather not accepting my past to be my future. That even though maybe it has been the same way every year for the past ten years of my life, that it does not in fact have to be that way in the future.

This past weekend, I constantly felt this being spoken over and over. That I am needed where God has called me next “for such a time as this.” To be a history maker. To change what others and myself accepted as normal.

And to be completely honest, there is so much change going on around me that I try to look around and grasp what is happening. It seems nearly impossible to even get a grip on one change before a new one comes, changing things yet again. Persistently, HE has been flipping my world upside down as soon as I seem to get comfortable. For the past three years, this has happened on a consecutive basis. Every time I would get comfortable, my world would be flipped.

Tonight I realized that the reason why it has been like this for the past three years is because every single time my world gets flipped, I learn things that I never would have learned if I would’ve stayed where I was. He continually asks me to step out on the water/ go in over my head/ take me deeper than my feet could ever wander (whatever song analogy you prefer) in order to stretch me farther than before and somehow prepare me for what is coming next. 

It seems almost crazy at times the way HE works in my life. I start to question my own sanity when HE asks me to pack my bags and leave for a country in a weekend without a ticket. Or to quit my dream job in the States to move to a third world country. Or the countless of crazy things being laid on my heart right now. Things I do not at all understand myself, but yet I know that somehow HE is using all of it to prepare my heart for what is up ahead.

So tonight I realized that yes I want to be a history maker, because every time I take a leap of faith, I am further stretched and prepared for whatever story HE is writing in and through my life.

Precious Pain

 These next few words came flowing out of my heart tonight, and as long as the words flow I will share because they need to be heard. This isn’t my story, but rather of two girls that have stolen a huge chunk of my heart.

“Kutemwa, Kutemwa. Wake up,” I awoke to in broken English to see a face staring at me while I was sleeping off the exhaustion from the sickness attacking my body. At first I thought something was wrong, but then she points to my journal and asks to draw. That’s how we communicated. Through a mix of broken English and her local language and pictures. Lots and lots of pictures. My journal was filled with pictures that still bring me to tears. I went through 3 pens in 3 weeks, but I didn’t even care. It was worth not being able to write to have my pages filled with the beauty of her drawings.

I get up and sit on the floor to watch her face light up while she is drawing. The joy literally radiates out of her. Her smile and laugh as I tell her she is precious, even if she doesn’t understand what that word means. Since this can go on all day, I decide to get up and walk out to see the rest of my village family outside the hut. First thing I am greeted by is being asked if I need tea or more medicine or something to help me feel better. I smile and wish they could truly realize how much just sitting with them brings so much joy and Light.

A few hours later, I sit on the steps watching a little girlie continuing to draw and laugh at my pictures while watching another girlie cook on an open fire after being in school all day. Her servant heart shines through along with the deep joy and peace with being in this place. His grace is all I can think about while watching them.

Days went by spending time with them, loving on them but being so overwhelmed with love and joy back. Then I had to say goodbye. I knew it wouldn’t be forever, but yet for a time. Weeks passed turning into months. Months turning into two years. I prayed for both of those girlies every night. I heard updates occasionally and how school had gone each semester, but I just wanted to give them a hug. I wanted to see for myself that they were being given the opportunity to accomplish their dreams.

Two years later, my heart shattered for both of them. Situations young girls should never have to be in, these girlies were put in. And because HE is faithful, just a few weeks later, God brought me back to see them. After all the pain and heartache one precious girlie had endured, the joy and laughter shared was simply HIS grace. His joy. And oh my definitely HIS love. But my heart broke after seeing the other precious princess who used to draw me pictures and be filled with so much joy. She was broken, and her smile was gone. I could feel a tiny piece of HIS pain and hurt for HIS daughter. And as I sat there crying and questioning why, I started to understand a bit more.

A few years ago I prayed continually for my heart to be broken for what breaks His. It is only a really tiny part of what breaks His Heart, but yet it overwhelmingly broke mine. And it made me realize as much as we hurt and cry for the people we love, HE hurts and cries that much more. HE is holding them. HE is their Rescuer and Redeemer.

Because sometimes I just need to let pieces out in order to process the whole.

On My Knees

It’s been quite a while since I have been able to formulate words in this season of learning so much about myself, Africa, and the heart of Christ. While most of my journaling has turned into prayers, most of my writing has turned into emails and articles for other ministries. It is a different season. One I wasn’t prepared for or expectant of at all.

And it’s during this season that I constantly find myself on my knees. Sometimes on my knees because I can no longer stand, but lately on my knees because I am circling the promises HE has given me and clinging to His faithfulness.

At first I began to get frustrated because quite frankly it’s been almost six months I have been praying for and expecting these promises to come through. And every time they fall through or fail to happen, I want to give up hope. I want to stop believing that they will happen because it’s easier. It’s less painful.

Then I came across this verse a few weeks ago, and it kept popping up in different places for a week until I finally got the point.

“God will make this happen, for He who calls you is faithful.”- 1 Thes 5:24

And then as HE so often does in my life (because I am hard headed and need things repeated sometimes), I received a book from my mom about praying circles around the promises He has laid on my heart. It seemed like every word of that book was something I needed to hear, but one sentence stood out profoundly:

“Take a step of faith when God gives you a vision because you trust that the One who gave you the vision is going to make provision. And for the record, if the vision is from God, it will most definitely be beyond your means.”

All throughout the book were stories of promises HE had given and how HE had fulfilled those promises in HIS perfect timing. And so I found myself on my knees constantly over and over praying circles around these promises.

So far it’s called for an all-nighter praying for someone I barely know, a breakthrough for someone I’ve been circling in prayer for almost two years now, and some pretty impossible miracles waiting to happen.

It’s still a season. The promises still have not been answered. But the expectant hope I am clinging to is absolutely mind blowing… for once I’m starting to believe it when people keep saying “Liz, I believe something great is up ahead for you.