Learning to Dance in the Rain

It’s been storming a lot lately, which means there is lots and lots of rainy days. It also means that there has been lots of time to read, think, and get the flu. Just kidding, I could have done without the flu, but I guess it caused me to slow down and REST.

If I’m honest this season is hard and heavy. This season carries a lot of weight as I am jumping full force into the calling HE has placed on my heart while also preparing to spend a few weeks back overseas where a chunk of my heart lies. Not to mention the preparation that is having to take place while I'm away as I am leaving a community of incredible people HE has asked me to show His love to during this season.

So I felt I would write in the middle because maybe someone else is in the hard and heavy right now too. Maybe someone else feels exhausted from their heart breaking for what breaks His. Or maybe someone else feels a little overwhelmed with it all.

When I think about thunderstorms, I always think about the heaviness of the clouds. They look so dark and gloomy. So heavy and full. They look as if they could weigh a lot and always bring some intense weather. The interesting thing is that I love thunderstorms because I find them peaceful. The rain, thunder, lightening, along with a good book, snuggly blanket, and a hot cup of tea make for the perfect night in. Somehow peace comes in a thunderstorm for me.

Which got me thinking. Back when I was in high school, I babysat for a family with a young son who was absolutely terrified of thunderstorms. He would crawl under a blanket and ask us to close the blinds and turn up the sound on the TV so he wouldn’t hear the thunder. He was petrified in the middle of a thunderstorm, and nothing I could say or do would really help the situation, except to simply just sit and wait for it to pass.

I feel like this passion HE has placed on my heart is a bit like a thunderstorm. This season of walking into this calling is a bit like a thunderstorm. It’s heavy, intense, full, and weighty. And lately, if I am honest, I have been kind of acting like that little boy under a blanket on the couch. I am petrified. I once again feel unqualified and unprepared. But I also feel the heaviness of it all weighing down on me.

My desire is to RUN in freedom so that His Love and Light can shine in the darkest of places, but that’s really hard when you are carrying all the weight on your back. When you are letting fear take over and believing the lies.

One of my friends sent me a message this morning that included the line “I pray that you find rest and learn to laugh and crazy dance it out no matter what season you are in.”

I think in this season of thunderstorms, HE is asking me to dance in the rain. To learn how to dance in the rain. And I honestly think the only way we can do that is if we let go of the hard and heavy and trust Him with it all. Trust that HE will take our heavy burdens and hold them with the absolute greatest care because HE cares so much more, and as we hand them over, to then throw on our new, black shiny rain boots and go dance it out. No matter how stormy or gloomy it seems. Knowing HE has placed us right here for a season, for a reason.

A Letter to Those Whose Dreams Have Been Shattered

Hey friend,

I don’t talk about this often. Or really ever. But I thought maybe a glimpse inside my heart could help yours.

Some would call it a transition season… a dying season… a redirecting season maybe… In my life, it was the season when I moved from Africa to America and found out I was staying longer than a few months.

To summarize how I felt… I was confused. Frustrated. Felt like a failure. Unsure of my purpose. And reluctantly seeking God for answers. In some ways, I felt like HE had let me down. I mean HE could have opened all those doors if HE wanted to. HE is the King of Kings and holds everything in His Hands after all.

But He chose to let my dreams shatter. He chose to close doors and redirect my path. That’s a hard pill to swallow when you look at TRUTH that says “He will give you the desires of your heart.”

Standing from the other side, a year later, I can honestly say I am beyond thankful that God shattered my dreams. But looking at my journal, I can put myself back in that situation in a second, because I remember the pain, the confusion, the heartbreak, and the word “Failure” constantly on my lips. So here goes… my vulnerable, authentic, real deep story of dreams being shattered.

“I am hurting, but YOU see that. I am overwhelmed, but YOU know that. I am frustrated, but YOU heard that.”

“When I look in the mirror, I see failure. When I sit and think about my future, I think failure.”

“Father, I need stability. I need to know YOUR will. I just need to be reminded YOU are still there.”

I read through the journals. I remember the month of December like it was yesterday. It was one of the worst months I have experienced so far. I felt like God was telling me not to go back, but I wasn’t sure why or what in the world I would do. Immediately, I started striving. I went to my Plan B and my Plan C. I went on interviews. Met with families about job opportunities. And felt like God continually kept saying “Wait.”

I was frustrated. I remember thinking “Why in the world did you bring me back here? Why in the world did you put this on my heart just to take it away?”

I wouldn’t even speak to people about Africa. I didn’t want to hear from people there. I didn’t want to remember anything about it. I was mad. And not at myself. And not at anyone there. But rather at God. He had clearly called me there. But then why in the world was I back here? Was there even a purpose in that whole time I lived there?

My journals were filled with prayers and covered with tears. I kept asking God to just send me a community who would encourage, uplift me, and somehow be able to get my heart. Guys, I can’t even type this now without CRYING! Like HE IS SO FAITHFUL! Because now, a year later. I have one of the best communities that is better than I ever dreamed of back then.

But back to this season… I waited. The whole month of December, I kept trying to find a reason or a plan, but nothing worked out. So I decided to just wait. Then HE finally asked me to get up. To walk forward. I reluctantly stood up and like someone stubbornly pulling me with a rope, I walked.

In January, HE gave me the word “Become.” Which sounded exciting, but proved to be the hardest, most in-depth word of the year EVER!

I still had so many questions. And to be completely honest, I wasn’t exactly talking to God about my heart still. I would pray for others and ask HIM for discernment about decisions, but other than that I didn’t want to talk about how HE had taken away my dreams. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t like it. And I absolutely did not want to discuss it.

It was a slow transition. It was a stubborn pull. It was a patient and persistent love from our Father. It was tiny steps of obedience in the right direction. It was a community coming around me and cheering me on. It was lots of tiny moments of healing and breakthrough.

But eventually one day, I was ok.

Here’s the thing… the verse says “Delight yourself also in the Lord, and He will give you the desires and secret petitions of your heart.”

But the verse right after it says “Commit your way to the Lord (roll and repose each care of your load on Him); trust (lean on, rely on, and be confident) also in Him and He will bring it to pass.”

The only way I ended up being ok in the end. And not just ok, friend, but truly FREE and being able to look back at this season a year later with such a different perspective. The only way. Was I chose to finally open my hands and let go of those dreams. I chose to trust in, lean on, rely on, and be absolutely confident in HIM. I chose to delight myself in HIM alone.

And you know what? HE didn’t let me down! He didn’t place that calling on my heart for no purpose. HE will give me the desires of my heart. HE just had a different plan. One so much better than I could ever dream of or imagine.

So sister… I know it is hard. I know your heart hurts and you can’t wrap your brain around the confusion. But I promise, if you LET GO and let God take over; HE WILL COME THROUGH! Seek HIM when it’s hardest and you won’t be let down.

I’m still on a journey, but I do feel like the perspective I have now on that season of shattered dreams gives me a voice to possibly speak TRUTH over yours. I’m praying for you. My heart hurts for yours. And I know that this is tough, but I am trusting GOD to restore your heart, like HE did mine.

Sincerely,

A Sister Who Gets It

Choosing Joy in the Intense

So I should be sleeping, or at least that’s what I keep repeating to myself. After all, I already wrote for hours today, my body is fighting off sickness, and I have to teach English at 7am tomorrow morning. Not to mention I am dog sitting a pup who doesn’t like to sleep in. But yet my heart is aching and I decided to just let it all out in exchange for the needed sleep.

This season is harder than I expected it to be. And to be honest that kind of gets me down. I didn’t expect it to be so intense and necessary and vital. I didn’t expect it to be a crash preparation course for whatever is coming up ahead.

And the more I have coffee with people, the more I seem to not be able to explain the intensity on my heart. The deep longing and pain that accompanies this season. The deep knowing on one hand and utter confusion on the other that fills my head on a daily basis lately. The deep sitting in brokenness but not staying there. Using the deep healing that took place for a purpose other than my own.

It’s intense guys. Like I constantly need chocolate, Truth, and soul care just to make it through one of the many things laid on my heart and schedule lately.

I have always felt inadequate and unqualified for most things I have been placed in thus far in life. Back that up, every calling I have been placed in. But these things. They are where my personal heartbreak meets the world and they collide. Hopefully one day creating something beautiful, but currently just creating an intensity and in-depthness like never before. Not only do I feel inadequate and unqualified, but I also feel confused, frustrated, and super unsure where this all is leading to.

There’s this quote from a book I’m reading that says “Be obedient, trust, and believe God. Let Him boss around any contrary feelings.”

So lately choosing joy looks a lot like leaning on, relying on, and being confident in God. And then letting Him deal with everything else.

Because He has absolutely placed me in this safe house serving girls for a reason. He has absolutely placed me in this writing a bigger story for a purpose. He has absolutely opened some doors and closed some doors lately for a purpose. And He has absolutely placed me in the families I am serving, the friendships I have, and the communities I am in… for a purpose.

Even when I can’t always see the purpose and reasons, I am learning to lean on, rely on, and be confident in HIM. Because that’s what trust is all about, right?

Ending of a Season

Ending of seasons. They always get me. They always come with sugar overloads and a box of tissues. Maybe it’s my abandonment issues or my lack of being able to let go, but as much as I wanted this past season to end, it actually took me aback by how hard ending it was. But as hard as it was, it also made me look back and remember His Faithfulness and Goodness. It allowed me to see things in a different view.

I opened my journal from this past season and couldn’t stop the tears from flowing. I was so scared. So worried. So anxious. God was pushing me outside my comfort zone when He asked me to go to counseling or join a random small group or ask some random girl to change our coffee date to the next day or take a flight to Dubai. I was so scared, but each time I said yes with shaky hands and all. And you know what, those were the absolute best things of this past season. That trip reminded me that this season was coming to a close, and that He was about to fulfill His Promises to me. That small group led me to meet some of the greatest girls and allowed a safe place to share my heart for a time. And that random girl, well yeah she’s one of my Jesus sisters and someone who spoke so much truth into this past season and provided a lot of laughter in the wilderness. And the counseling was what God used to heal and redeem and restore me into who HE had created me to be. He provided a safe space for vulnerability and realness in a way I could never have thought would happen.

I wrote some notes from a podcast I had listened to in the middle of this past season, and my favorite quote was this:

“Perhaps what you are waiting for in your life carries more weight

than you realize and that is why you are waiting.”

This past season of waiting, of becoming, was hard. It was redefining who I was and who HE created me to be. It was a season of healing and redemption and restoration. It was a season of FREEDOM from anxiety and fears. It was a season that brought beauty from these ashes.
This morning it finally ended. I checked the last things off the list of “Becoming” and I cried through the hardness of saying “see you later.”

And as hard as this close of a season has been, it is a reminder that HE is forever faithful and good. That HE brought me through the wilderness, and that HE can heal and redeem and restore. That HE had a purpose and a plan and timing for this past season. And that what is coming will be more than I could ever imagine. Because if there is one thing I repeated to myself over and over again this past year, it was that “God works all things together for my good and HIS GLORY.”

So yes it hurts to say “see you later” and to close doors in a chapter, but I trust HIM and know that HE is working it all out in a way I could never even see or imagine. The best thing though? Is that I never have to travel without the Greatest Travel Buddy around. So wherever, whenever, however, and whoever this next season brings me; I am ready, with shaky hands and all.

Soul Tired

There’s this quote I saw a few days ago that said “sleep doesn’t help if it’s your soul that is tired.” That’s where I have been living this past week. From a tired soul.  And no matter how much sleep I get or how many cups of coffee I drink, it doesn’t change. It’s not my schedule or my time commitments that are making me tired, because quite honestly my calendar looks pretty boring a week in advance.

It’s my heart that is exhausted.

And I knew walking into this season of “becoming” would be hard. I knew healing and freedom were not things that came lightly or without struggle. I knew this, and I weighed this, and yet I still decided to walk forward. Because I believe freedom is worth it. (And I was a little fed up with living out of fear)

This past week, I have been reminded how important it is to take care of my heart. To live out of the overflow means you have to be fueled yourself first. You can’t give what you don’t have. And so as I started to relook at these past few months and knowing that this season is almost over, I came up with a list of things I wanted to remind myself when I have a tired soul:

1) Taking time to do things that speaks to your heart is soooo important. A few months ago I came up with this idea of #soulcaresaturday. I literally just created this intentional space in my life to rejuvenate and refocus where I was. Every soul care Saturday looks so different. Some are spent completely by myself in the Word or in prayer. And others are spent with friends who breathe Jesus into me. Every week I walk away from these days and feel so ready to walk into what the next week holds.

2) Speaking truth against the lies. You speak truth enough and you shift your gaze off of the lies and onto the One who is Always True. Speaking life brings life.

3) Spending time in the Word is obviously refueling. But being rooted and living from HIS Word is life giving.

4) People keep telling me that this is a lot to carry. And I look at them and think “I mean I guess.” But this week I let myself realize it is hard. It is painful. Because constantly sitting in hurts/pains and taking the arrows that fly at you plus pouring out into people at the same time, well that is a lot. But the good thing is I don’t have to carry this, because HE does. HE carries all these hard things, I just have to lay them down.

5) Let them tears fall. I used to think crying was weakness. But really crying is strength. Crying is letting go. Crying is saying “I can’t and I don’t want to do this alone.”

6) Having people around me. Like literally the greatest community. HE pours love and joy into my soul through them. It’s amazing to be a part of.

The truth is, I have seen people this week in the same position. They are walking around with a tired soul. These people are strong. They are brave. They have courage. And they will keep going, because they know how important this fight is.

But until we put our perspective where it belongs and care for our souls, we can’t keep fighting.

Chosen and Changed

It’s been seven months since I left Africa. That seems absolutely crazy to me. It still seems like yesterday that I was surprising everyone at one home and saying “see you in a few months” to everyone at my other home. It seems crazy that these past few months my life has continually changed, leaving barely any room for comfort or normalcy. And for that I am incredibly thankful, because this season is probably one of the most important I have gone through thus far.

So many have asked me questions I can’t answer. Especially friends and family I love dearly halfway across the world. It isn’t that I don’t want to share the answers, but rather I have been asking God the exact same questions. But this past year has been a journey of JUMPING then BECOMING.

I have had walls completely torn down. I have battled some tough battles against fear and anxiety. I have daily struggled to keep faith in the promises HE made while in Africa. I have had my perspective flipped upside down and inside out. I have had so many words redefined I could actually write a dictionary now. I have asked questions upon questions and only seem to get more questions in return. I have made the wrong decisions and the right ones, having people I love question both. I have jumped into the unknown and ran from the unexpected.

But enough about me. I want to tell you about the Greatest Travel Buddy through all of this. Because let me tell you, HE has been so patient and persistent. HE has sent communities, but not just any community, the most perfect for the season I’m in. HE has sent friends over coffee pointing back to the truth when I seem to get off track. HE has sent safe havens to REST through families, coffee shops, or homes. HE has literally flown someone halfway across the world because I needed to hear something from the exact person who said it. HE has used a six year old in Africa to call me on a day I needed to know HIS love so much. HE has opened doors, closed doors, and reminded me of HIS faithfulness.

Guys, HE doesn’t have to do any of that. Like seriously HE is the King of Kings, and yet HE still cares immensely about my heart and where I am and where I am going. That thought literally amazes me. That yes this journey of “becoming” has been incredibly painful, but it has been so far one of the most beautiful times in my life to get to be able to know HIM on a deeper level.

To truly understand that we are a CHOSEN daughter (or son) of the King of Kings. That we BELONG to HIM. That HE delights when we run to HIM. That we have an ADVOCATE on our behalf. Let me just tell you, that one blows my mind, and makes my orphan aching heart feel so much more loved.

Part of me craves normalcy, steadiness, and a safe haven. I’m learning that can all be found in HIM. Because the part of me that craves adventure, radical love, and crazy God moments is how HE made me.

 

Completely Soaking in His Love,

Elizabeth

History in the Making

As I am coming into another season of change, my head has been constantly swarming with thoughts while my heart seems to be continually broken for things that are breaking HIS Heart.

About a week ago, one of my mentors asked me if I had ever thought to be a history maker. I sort of fell silent on the other end of the phone as I thought, “me a history maker? No way.” But it wasn’t a question about changing the world, but rather not accepting my past to be my future. That even though maybe it has been the same way every year for the past ten years of my life, that it does not in fact have to be that way in the future.

This past weekend, I constantly felt this being spoken over and over. That I am needed where God has called me next “for such a time as this.” To be a history maker. To change what others and myself accepted as normal.

And to be completely honest, there is so much change going on around me that I try to look around and grasp what is happening. It seems nearly impossible to even get a grip on one change before a new one comes, changing things yet again. Persistently, HE has been flipping my world upside down as soon as I seem to get comfortable. For the past three years, this has happened on a consecutive basis. Every time I would get comfortable, my world would be flipped.

Tonight I realized that the reason why it has been like this for the past three years is because every single time my world gets flipped, I learn things that I never would have learned if I would’ve stayed where I was. He continually asks me to step out on the water/ go in over my head/ take me deeper than my feet could ever wander (whatever song analogy you prefer) in order to stretch me farther than before and somehow prepare me for what is coming next. 

It seems almost crazy at times the way HE works in my life. I start to question my own sanity when HE asks me to pack my bags and leave for a country in a weekend without a ticket. Or to quit my dream job in the States to move to a third world country. Or the countless of crazy things being laid on my heart right now. Things I do not at all understand myself, but yet I know that somehow HE is using all of it to prepare my heart for what is up ahead.

So tonight I realized that yes I want to be a history maker, because every time I take a leap of faith, I am further stretched and prepared for whatever story HE is writing in and through my life.