Realizations Standing at a Crossroads

No one told me it would painful. No one told me I would spend many of sleepless nights worrying or crying or wishing more than anything I could do something. No one told me that I would have to love incredible people and be loved by incredible people halfway across the world at all times. No one told me that my heart would never feel at home again. No one told me I would never “fit in” again. No one told me it would not be one country but a continent I would fall in love with. No one told me some of the children I would meet I would come to love as if they were my own. No one told me it would be this hard.

I spent this weekend having several breakdowns in between hanging out with some of the greatest friends in the world. I spent this weekend struggling to fit in on a college campus I once called home, and so wanting to call home again. I spent this weekend fighting with my heart and passion for Africa. And if it wasn’t for one of those really great friends, I would still be fighting and screaming and yelling and wanting so badly to go out on dates with American boys and read textbooks about Business Law and celebrate my 21^st birthday the “right way” and study on Sunday nights and skip 8 am classes and have movie nights on a Tuesday night and just be like all my really incredible inspiring friends.

Because sometimes I miss it. Sometimes I want that life again. Sometimes I want to be the normal American college girl trying to figure out this life thing with people my own age walking this out with me.

BUT more than all of that I want to wake up every day in sweat because of the 110 degree weather in my African home. To go to sleep every night hearing the howling of the street dogs or the singing outside my window.  To walk into a compound and have ten children run up to me crying “Muzungu” and fighting to hold my hand. To sit with people not much younger than me fighting with and for them trying to make them see what I see in them: hope, courage, and strength. To gather in a room with people who don’t speak the same language but all sing and pray to the same God. To hug on a child that has never been shown love before. To bring gifts to people who have never had people care about them enough to bring them gifts. To wholeheartedly serve a family and the families in a community, in whatever way that looks like. To find potential in people that once were outcasts or considered the lowest of the lows. To truly make an impact in one person’s life, one person’s day. To be used by my One True Love in a way only He would create my heart to be used.

This struggle comes from not knowing which path to take. Not having all the answers. Searching so hard but just coming up with more valid options. Seeking wise people’s advice, but only getting more confused in the end. Putting one foot in front of the other only to trip after a couple steps. Constantly not being at peace no matter what option is being brought up. Asking for confirmation and only receiving silence.

My head starts to get in the way of my heart since this struggle has aroused. My head tells me that I am twenty years old and too young to do anything impactful, my heart tells me age doesn’t matter. My head tells me no one would speak against my going back to college because everyone would agree with it, my heart tells me that’s not where God is asking me to be. My head tells me that America could easily become my comfortable home, my heart reminds me Africa is my home and comfort is a giant of a lie.

Thanks to my best friend I was reminded that being at a crossroads sucks. Having too many options but not enough answers sucks. And constantly facing a head that can be validated by people all around you with a heart no one but Him can understand sucks.

So for now I am clinging to the promise all of these tears are for a reason, my passion is to see people in Africa become independent life changers themselves, and that I have some really great friends that put up with me, remind me of who I am, and constantly push me to be a better person.

Being thankful for no sleep and plenty of thoughts,

Liz

Unexplainable Love

Although under not the greatest circumstances, this week has given me lots of time to think. While driving back and forth from the hospital and to work and while lying awake late at night listening to the beeping white noise in the hospital room. Let’s just say I am forever grateful that I was able to be here, a couple miles down the road from my dad this week.

But with all that thinking, came a lot of words that I have struggled to write out. I just feel like it is so important to explain. Explain that I in no way chose a life where my heart lies across oceans. Explain that I kind of wish the accusations of me just “running” from something were true. Explain that I understand and believe in the importance of college and education and a bright future. Explain that I am not giving up on any of that.

I take people’s opinions way too heavily sometimes, but the past couple weeks have brought on a lot of them. I try to explain it to people. How I could possibly want to live in a third world country where there is a higher chance of diseases and danger. How I could possibly want to leave an incredible job and promise of a bright career future to live every day with dirt filled hands and dusty feet. How I could want to give up comfort and convenience and consistency. How at my age, I could even think about moving halfway across the world.

And I struggle with these questions all the time. I struggle trying to explain my heart to people. And I get it. It is absolutely crazy. I am absolutely insane. And I am giving up so much in the eyes of people around me.

But I guess my perception is a bit skewed to my heart when it comes to this. Because I see it a bit differently.

I see the amount of joy I have every day when I wake up and the amount of exhaustion every night when I go to sleep in Africa. I see the way my heart beats really fast when I am on the plane about to land back in my favorite land. I see of course the things I can try to show through pictures, but I actually feel the hugs and the immense joy and love that comes with those. I understand the automatic respect we have as Americans, and I see the potential that can hold to change people’s hearts and lives. I see the way my heart fills with peace despite whatever circumstance I may be in over there. I feel the love between so many mentors and friends who understand my passion and heart, many who share the same with me. I see the smiles that surround me everywhere I go over there, and I see the desperation in their hearts for change. I know the potential so many of them hold over there, and simply just need someone to believe in them and help them out of this cycle of dependency. I see that despite the struggles I face over there, I always have a heart that is at home. I see the need for what God is asking me to do.

I cannot always explain what my heart holds. But who really can explain love? Is it explainable?  Because I have yet to find a way to explain how I feel when I step foot on African soil. Or how I feel when I am holding the most precious, unloved baby in my arms and feel more compassion than I have ever felt before. Or how I feel when I walk into a house that I know I can just sit down and have a cup of coffee and talk things out. Oh how I miss that so much. How I miss those people so much.

No longer can I look on a map and just see a country or a continent. Instead I think of the friends and the family that live on that globe. It no longer is a mission trip experience, it is my second home. That’s the thing, I’ve always been told that statistics change when numbers no longer become numbers but instead faces and names.

This week was rough because I realized how short life really is. But I realized how blessed I am to be in America, and how blessed I am with a heart that lies across oceans. My hearts divided, but I know where He is asking me to call home.

Confronting Comfort

I sit here in a nice king size bed with white sheets, a glass of water next to me, smelling like flowers from the bubble bath I took earlier, and a completely full belly from the dinner I ate. I start to sink into the sheets and remind myself why America is so great.

Comfort. This past week that word has been thrown at me from all different angles. At first I responded in the conversations barely thinking anything about the topic, but then it started coming up more and more, and today it slammed me right in the face. Again. God blew me away with His persistently spoken truths.

The struggle with this idea of comfort really just started. I always wanted to live outside my comfort zone ever since I stepped foot on African soil and saw what amazing things happen when you live every day completely leaning on Him. I never really wanted to stay comfortable until lately. My body still isn’t as pain-free as I had hoped it would be after surgery and countless doctor visits, and my job is something I enjoy doing now, and I have some really great family and friends here I adore spending time with. And it’s like all of a sudden I opened a door to find this huge Goliath standing in my way of saying YES.

I debated filling out the application. I debated sending the email. It no longer was “YES Lord… here I am. Whenever, wherever, however.” It has become question after question about something He has confirmed over and over again. No not everything on my “list” has been done, but He is the ultimate planner not me. And so I sit over here struggling with this idea of comfort.

I don’t want to leave the safety and security of my home country. I don’t want to leave the promise of good healthcare and clean hospitals. I don’t want to leave the ability to drive on the right side of the road and eat good American hamburgers. And I sure do not want to leave the comfort of this king sized bed.

But I do. My heart does. My heart longs for where He is asking me to go. My body aches to be back in those compounds and villages with no connection to anyone but my One True Love and the people who need to feel the loving embrace of My Savior. My heart is begging to go home. No matter how uncomfortable home may seem at times.

 Today the question was asked “What nation is calling you home?” I held back the tears hard, but the question has been ringing through my ears all day long. It once again stirred my heart and reminded me this is only but a layover. Time is still needed. I no longer have the urgency to run and hop on the next plane back to where my heart lies. Now I have an urgency to live every day God is giving me in America with the most life and passion and purpose I can. So when He does hand me my next boarding pass in a few months, I will be completely ready for the next adventure with the Greatest Travelling Buddy around.

Thankful He’s walking this out with me,

Liz

Writing My Story

It’s getting close to 2 am, and my mind is racing. This is the first of sleepless nights since I have returned, but I know it won’t be the last. It’s been almost a week since I have returned back to the States, and finally it is all hitting me.

 

While it was only 10 days in Africa this time, it was ten of the most encouraging, refocusing days I have had in a couple months. God knew I needed that trip more than even I did. And while now I have a heavy heart because of doors God opened and closed while away, I couldn’t be more thankful for the opportunity to walk through so many doors thus far in life.

I guess if there is one thing that I started to learn in these past couple months, it’s that God is writing my story, not me. And I look back over my blog posts and stay up late reading other people’s “God stories,” and I have come to the conclusion that as long as we run recklessly after the God of the Universe, He will redefine words that once were bitter to our lips. He will write a better story than we could ever plan out ourselves. And He will take care of all the details, as long as we just LET GO and HOLD ON.

And I know, I know…. I can be the most controlling person ever, so I get it. I used to block schedule every hour of my time and have to-do lists covering my desks and room. I’ve had every little detail of my wedding planned out since I was like 7, and I had this picture perfect plan of how my life would go. But by letting my need for control go. By throwing my hands out in surrender saying “I give in. I can’t do this on my own,” I seem to experience some of the greatest mountains and valleys.

I guess one of my favorite stories of this past trip to Africa is the stories of 3 ladies that really impacted me a lot. By far one of my favorite moments (next to seeing giraffes and zebras!!!!) was getting to have coffee with all 3 of them. And maybe to them it was just a normal get together, but for me, I knew how much wisdom and love and God’s faithfulness was placed in that circle as we talked. Just the fact that we all were there together and our stories ended up all connecting was a total GOD thing! So I still get chills when I think about how the people who took me to the airport ended up meeting their now “school coordinator” because I had to drop off supplies to make LovethruShoes bracelets to this lady. And then coming back months later, and seeing how God had this super perfect plan for all of us to end up sitting in a circle under a beautiful African tree having cappuccino and rusks and discussing life and love and Christ and passions.

And it’s not just the mountains that I am starting to see His goodness and blessings. I was recently reading a book that took me a good 3 months to finish as I kept putting it down in frustration. I hated the words on those pages because I knew how true they were. I started to see that sometimes it takes shattering of dreams in our valleys in order to prepare our heart for a mountain we have never even dreamt possible. And that the greatest thing about valleys are we get to see God shine through like never before. Because it was in the days the pain in my body was too much to bare that I saw God’s strength like never before. It was in the nights I couldn’t get along with anyone because I was running from what God was asking of me, that I saw God’s patience and persistence like never before. And it was in the second I boarded that plane back to Africa that His faithfulness shone through like never before.

So I am back in America until God’s story has a new destination for me. But for now, I will be thankful for the Starbucks and nice, clean grocery stores and my car and ChickfilA and good health care and friends and family in the States. Trying to soak it all in, even at 2 am :)

Dogs, Coffee, and Plans

These past couple days I have started to truly take in everything America has to offer. I figured I better start being thankful and enjoying the little things I can do in America, since for about 5 months, it’ll all be gone. I started enjoying the long car rides by myself (and the ones with 4 kids in the car), the opportunity to take a nap, the food, water at my fingertips, showers, country music, etc.

So I completely believe God has a sense of humor, and apparently He is trying to help me with this whole saying goodbye thing because I will definitely not be sad to leave dogs behind. After pet sitting for 5 dogs for a week, I start to look forward to the 5 months without dogs as pets, not to mention God totally makes me laugh or tests my patience with these dogs every day! From the first day of a dog running away, to the second day of a garage door breaking to falling onto a gate, cutting myself, and landing flat in the middle of dog poo. I mean I literally couldn’t help but laugh.

But that’s just it. Not only does God have a sense of humor, because He totally knows how stressed I am with everything, but He also has the most perfect time frame. Today I sat in a meeting expecting to completely surprise the person who had planned my 10 day trip to Zambia, and for him to tell me it wasn’t possible to stay in the country for 5 months because my visa would expire. And instead he didn’t seem surprised at all. In fact, he acted like he knew this was coming. And we have been on countless phone calls since that meeting getting all the details worked out. Can I just mention that it is 9 days before I leave and we are just now figuring out the details?! But the cool thing is watching everything fall into place. Like God just told me to “sit back and watch my time line all fall into place.”

And that’s when I realized that the hardest part is completely letting go of ourselves. Once we promise to do ANYTHING for His Kingdom, the only thing we have to do is take the steps through the doors He opens. Of course following Christ is difficult in a fallen world, I mean we are fighting a war after all! I mean that literally just occurred to me this week, that we are fighting a war! And I am over here worrying about what I look like or what I will eat for dinner…

My dad and I were talking this week over coffee and we came up with the conclusion that it’s not hard to say we should follow Christ and do the right thing, but it’s hard to do it. It’s not hard for me to say I’m going to Zambia for 5 months and booking my plane ticket, it’s hard to get on that plane in 9 days. It’s not hard to decide what is morally right and wrong, it’s hard to do the right thing.

So these are just my ramblings going through my head about how awesome my God is and how beautiful His time frame and plan is. While goodbyes will be hard this weekend and next week, I can’t wait to start this adventure of making new relationships, showing God’s love, and being around some of the most joyful and loving people in the world!

Africa bound in 9 days :)

Holding On

My hands are shaking, my mind is racing, my body is aching.

I am scared.

I am stressed.

I am worried.

I leave for only God knows how long to go half way across the world where my heart lies, where I feel Christ the most, where I see need and want to help, where 5000 shoes are waiting to be life changing agents, where my new family awaits, and where God is calling me.

And I am sitting here freaking out. My to-do list is 500 things long, my worries are raging, and I am overly exhausted.

I thought following God’s plan and will for my life would be easy. You know, my heart’s desire would be fulfilled, so I would be ecstatic. And while I am so excited to go there, it’s still hard. It’s hard to know I am leaving my family for only He knows how long. That I am withdrawing from college simply because He asked me to. That I am stepping out in the biggest act of faith I have ever taken, and not knowing what step is coming next. Not even knowing what I will do once I get there.

The only thing I know is that God is telling me so loudly I can’t ignore and I finally get to hear those words “DROP EVERYTHING AND GO!” He finally is answering my prayer of “whenever, wherever, however.” And taking me up on the promise that I will do ANYTHING for His Kingdom.

But yet I am still shaking in my boots, more afraid then I have ever been in my life, and clinging onto my Savior knowing He is the only one who has got a firm grip on me. He isn’t going to let me go and He has a perfect plan that I simply need to take a step at a time.

Being someone with everything planned out in my life from what I will do tomorrow to what my wedding will be like to what I will do when I am 50 years old, this is scary. God is asking me to completely let go of all my controlling ways and let Him take over. Truly Trust Him! And every day, He asks me to do something different. It really is a step at a time with this. From handing over the state side of LovethruShoes to mending relationships before I leave to forgiving someone from my childhood to withdrawing from school, God is daily telling me what He wants me to do. And it is completely amazing but incredibly SCARY. I am scared to not know what will happen tomorrow. To get on a plane not knowing when I will see my family again. To tell people about what God has asked me to do for a fear of criticism. To make plans that I don’t even understand why I am making. To truly forgive and let go of my want for control simply because He is asking me.

I’m exhausted. I’m scared. I’m stressed. I’m worried.

But God is not. He knows what He’s doing. He has it all planned out. He is simply asking me to take hold of Him and He will promise a “walking on water experience.” He will do incredible things through and around me if I simply LET GO.

So I am clinging to Him while letting go of everything else.

My Story

You know when you get back from a really awesome trip to a different country and people are asking you to tell them your stories? And by the third person you are tired of telling the same stories and feel like you have been talking about the same thing every time you see someone.  

Well my story with LovethruShoes and Africa has kind of become the same way. To me the story seems normal. Like a boring, typical day in my life. But today I realized how impactful that story can be.

To me, the story of why I started LovethruShoes is just a part of my life. I would much rather tell someone all the amazing ways I see God through LovethruShoes. I would rather tell them all the times God provided and showed how wonderful He is. But I guess I found it hard to believe that God can do that through my story. That through the story of why I started LovethruShoes and the life changing events that happened, His Greatness will be known. To me, I constantly see my faults, and when I look at other people I see their strengths. So when thinking about God using my story to show how great He is just doesn’t seem to do Him justice.

I realized that the reason God placed everything that happened that summer and after in my life is to make His greatness known through me. And that was one of the most eye opening things I have ever learned.

Today I got to work with some awesome people, and one group of people in particular really touched my heart. There was a group of special needs adults that came with some leaders and helped us sort shoes. They were seriously some of the best workers we had! The leader of that group was one of the sweetest ladies ever, and while I was helping record some shoes, another leader from the group started talking to me about LovethruShoes and how it all began. So then I went to sit with them on our lunch break, and she asked me to tell the story to the whole table. I then proceeded to relive those moments as I was saying them and I realized how incredible that summer was, but more so than that, how incredible the doors God has opened have been to see. And how by completely trusting Him, I have learned and seen more than I ever thought I would as a 19 year old.

Later as they went to leave, she handed me a wad of money and said, “you know God told me to get this money this week, but I didn’t know what it was for. But today I knew.” God literally always provides exactly what is needed.

So today not only was I reminded that I don’t need to stress or worry, because God’s got it all under control, but I was also reminded that by letting go and trusting Him, He can use someone like me and my story to literally change people’s hearts and lives.

Dwelling on His Awesomeness,

Liz